May. 13th, 2016

maccadole: (Gate)
Hello, Internet.

You know, a couple of years ago I actually read through my entire journal to see if I'd shared anything private or too embarrassing that I wanted or needed to put on private/delete. I'll admit that the opposite of what I expected happened - I found entries I wanted to change to public. There was nothing I was ashamed of that I wanted to delete. Some things made me cringe, but mostly stuff tickled me.

I haven't been active here for a very long time, for many reasons. I'm not as active in fandom anymore. My main thing used to be TV shows and I hardly ever watch them anymore. I watch more than I realize, I think, but I mostly do it with friends. I don't sit around and binge things on my own, every moment of every day, the way I used to.

Livejournal hasn't been "the thing" to do, in general, either, so I - along with so many other people - moved on to Tumblr. I also have a Twitter account but I don't use that either. It's all very sporadic. Besides, when I do use Tumblr it's to mindlessly reblog things I am currently interested in and often tag it with ridiculous Internet/Tumblr language. You know, the way we all do. At least at times. At least mostly.

I was pretty used to getting into things heavily around the time I left LJ. I know I wrote about about Sherlock and how I was crazypants about it and BennyC. Truth is, much like with things that followed, it was very brief. There was a time when I got into things for a few years at a time, but that hasn't been the case for a while now. Or, hmm, it depends. A friend of mine turned me onto podcasts and some reality comedy shows, like the improv show Whose Line is it Anyway. I'm confident I've mentioned it before, but I'm not sure? I still listen to podcasts on and off and Whose Line kind of persists, even though it's a background thing since long ago. But it's still there and I still think of it often. I may not be active in that small fandom but I still go over aspects of it with said friend every now and again. You see, it ended up being a very important part of my life in a way.

If a fannish interests flares up, or I get properly into a fandom, then it tends to be very brief. The Whose Line thing lasted almost two years so I know it's ridiculous to call that brief. But it was also a kind of off-and-on-again thing. Also it was rare. Like I say, me getting into things in that long-term way? It doesn't really happen anymore. I can get obscenely obsessed with things in a very brief and intense way, and then it's gone.

As for life?

Well. I worked at a preschool for a bit. It was a kind of internship, you could say. I've known that I love working with young kids since I was a teenager, myself, 'cause I sort of got it confirmed when I was sixteen and got a summer job at one. When the chance presented itself again, last year, for a kind of practice job or whatever? I instantly asked if there was any way I could be placed at a preschool, regardless of whether or not it'd lead to a paid position later on. The people who helped me work stuff out eventually pulled it off and I had a few extremely happy months at that preschool. Unfortunately I got sick a lot and decided to quit after spending six days in the hospital. I was never in any danger, but I had a REALLY terrible cough and they even checked me for pneumonia. I was born with a heart and lung condition and although the heart was fixed when I was a child, I still only have about a lung and a half. I use one lung, you could say. That's usually the easiest way of explaining it. So, imagine only being able to breathe half as much as you can now - and then cut that in half as well. It, uh, wasn't fun. I expected to get regular colds a lot because working in a new environment, even without all the sniffling kids and such, kind of brings that on. But, uh, I never thought it'd get that bad. And that happened three times within a couple of weeks.

Things is, we later found out the building was infested by mold so badly that it has to be torn down. I'm not naive enough to think that that was the sole reason I got so sick, but I'm hoping I can twist that negative fact into something positive. It'd be lucky if I only got so excruciatingly sick because of that, you know? Because if I got regular colds, like I did at first, then I could live with that. I was healthy for my first couple of weeks there, then I had a regular cold for a few days. After that time I made it a while longer. But with time it only got worse and more frequent. That'd make sense with the prolonged exposure, right?

I miss it every day and I'm still considering going back to try it again. They even DID offer me a job. A real job, dammit. Part time, but still. Do you have any idea how insane that is? I don't even have a specific education when it comes to child care, and I would've been able to work with what I love. That just doesn't happen.

But right now I work with teenagers and help supervise them when they work in their student-run cafe. The preschool kids are currently staying in the same building, because it's in the same area and they haven't rebuilt their place yet. That means I have the opportunity to visit 'em. :D I plan on doing that a lot, haha, although I've only been once so far. They remembered me and screamed my name and asked me to play with them. The staff hugged me, too, and wanted to know everything about how I was doing now. It made my soul so happy and light. Uggh. So maybe that can be a sneaky way of trying it out and seeing if exposure to all those people - both kids as well as the adults - in such a small space is what gets me sick quicker or not. God. I'm dumb enough to want to go back there regardless, though, and I find I have to remind myself that it wasn't fun to be that sick. I chose to quit, after all. I must've done so for a reason - and I did. I try to remember that when I want to take back my decision all willy-nilly. We'll see what happens.

Actually, as far as fandom goes, and that dorky side of my life, I realize I do have something I'm into at the moment. After having not been actively into it since 2005ish, I am now back in the Harry Potter fandom. Kind of where it all started, for me. I found this tragically hilarious and adorable Harry/Draco fic - in Swedish, written without a plan, of course, and left unfinished - that I'd written way back in the day. That led me to reminisce with a friend of mine about one of the first (if not the first) English novel length fanfics I ever read. Also "Drarry," of course. So, I read it again, because it was still online.

I hadn't touched the books or the movies for five years at that point. Well, I still haven't. But now I want to. I want to read the book series again, and yet five years isn't that long. I always loved the franchise, of course, and my interest would spike whenever a new book or movie came out, but then it died down again to merely simmer in the background of my heart and mind. But, now, since January...? I don't know. It's spiked once more.

I read that old fic again and it made me remember how much I like that universe and how fascinated I am by the wizarding world. It made me remember moments and characters, and places and things. And the absolute, nonsensical perfection that the pairing of Harry and Draco is. It makes no sense, and yet it does. It can, if you let it. I found myself loving it sort of ironically - again - and after I finished re-reading that old story I kind of... wanted more. So I read another. And another. And another. (Since then I've branched out and read other pairings, too, though.)

Haha, no, I don't know either. But let me tell you that I don't ship it ironically anymore. I like a lot of strange pairings in fic, and I'll try almost anything if it's well-written. As for canon stuff, though? Well, that's a different story. Literally.

That's partly what made me return here, I remembered. See, I may want to use this account to sneak around communities and such, because I'm starting to notice, as I lurk, that there are still people active here in that section of the fandom. Hm, hm. And the more fic I read, the more I keep seeing the same names over and over again. They write, they comment, they mention each other. I kind of want to befriend them all? (Desperately, at times.) I also find myself listening to "wrock" which I didn't even do back when I was younger. Sure I listened to a few songs here and there, but I was never really into it in that way. And now I have wizard rock in my music library. This is my life now. I've come full circle.

And it's beautiful, I must say. Ridiculous, of course. But beautiful.

Oh, erm. And my cat/s (I think I mentioned the older, first cat passing but I don't think I've posted here since my cat died?) and my dog have passed away, sadly. But I have two new cats - two brothers - and I've had them foor... three years? I forget. Time flies. So, you know, although I miss the cat that was MY cat - the one that passed away more recently of the two previous ones - and I miss my dog terribly, I'm doing okay.

I am more confident and secure in myself now, even though I have anxiety. I've grown up quite a bit just these past few years and although my mood goes up and down (much like it does for everyone) I'm dealing with it better now. I've had dips but I've learned to share with friends and seek help when needed. The minor socially awkward stuff that used to cripple me before isn't really an issue anymore, because I thankfully grew out of that. I've had other issues, on and off, but I've got it under wrap right now, I'm happy to report.

I do still video blog, too, but I find I miss writing at times. I've considered posting an update here for a long time, and I don't know if I will keep this up or if it's a one-time thing but I figured it was time to put something a little newer here at least, haha.

I think that'll do for now, though. If I think of anything else that I wanted to point out or share just in general, I can always write another entry. Yeah?

I hope you're doing well. Feel free to say hello if any old flistie sees this and feels ever so inclined. :D Take care.

Love,
Mac

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