maccadole: (Leaves)
[personal profile] maccadole
Ah. So many things to talk about.

This'll get a bit lengthy so I'll cut it, but basically it's all about various HP thoughts and feelings.

Such as contemplating what would happen if people found out about the weird-not-weird shit I read and want to write, and how to prevent that from happening, as well as rambling about the Patronus Charm and pondering hilarious prompts.

I like to write. I don't know if I'm amazing at it, exactly, but I'd call my writing okay if not even good. It's certainly not bad, I know that much. The thing is, for years now I've only been writing for myself and/or for a friend of mine. It's been ages since I published anything online for anyone else to see, and I haven't written HP fic since 2004.

I feel rusty and insecure.

But, that said, I'm hoping to have enough self-confidence, creativity and inspiration to add something to the fest that started today over at [ profile] dracomalfoy. If that turns out not to be the case, though, I figure I'll ease into it instead by writing a few "practice" stories. If I were to write something and end up unhappy with it, I obviously wouldn't have to post it even if I started the piece with that in mind. I know that, and yet my brain freaks out if I go in with that mindset. I dunno, that whole mentality messes with my head. I do much better when I convince myself that I will literally never ever upload what I am writing. If I start writing with the intention of never showing it to another soul, ever, then I feel much more relaxed -- and yet I know perfectly well, in the back of my mind, that if the finished product pleases me I'll at least show it to a friend, or some such. It's strange how that works. But that's my silly, human brain.

So, I therefore asked two friends of mine for inspiration. My friend Kai isn't active in the Harry Potter fandom anymore, but that's how we met (back in 2003, sheesh), and she understands fandom. She seemed like a good person to ask, you know? She wondered if it should be "shippy or not shippy" and gave me an exquisite and thoughtful shippy prompt that I'll keep to myself. But her other one was a humorous and/or cracky one, and I just HAVE TO share it, because I swear I laughed so hard at the potential of it. Oh gods, I'll have to figure it out and write it, I think. I don't know how but- ahahah.

And if not shippy I would tell the tale of how Malfoy ended up locked in a broom closet with a foot stuck in a bucket and a mouth full of chocolate frogs for three hours. I hear it involves a forgetful house elf, a runaway snitch, and three pounds of mackerel.

In the words of Internet culture everywhere by now: I can't even.

Kai is either a pure genius or simply mad. Or a mad genius. Do you see what I mean? It's SO BIZARRE, but also quite a challenge. Hahah, I may have to try piece it together for that reason alone.

My other friend, David, has no idea what this whole fan culture/fandom/fanfic thing is, at all. I explained the fest to him and this is what he said:

So how do these prompts work? Like does someone just go:

1. Harry & Draco
2. A centaur
3. The true meaning of the term "forbidden forest"?
4. An incident in the sidecar of Hagrid's motorbike

Or am I just being stupid there? :p

True meaning of "Forbidden Forest" -- I'm fucking pissing myself. And, listen, I don't know what sort of "incident" he had in mind but I can certainly think of pleeeenty of incidents they could get up to in that sidecar. ;) Am I right?

In other news, I had another conversation with Kai when I asked her if she knew what her patronus would be, because I really don't know, myself. She didn't think it made much sense, that magic, because she couldn't see any set rules for how it manifests itself. It's something close to you in various ways, but how exactly? I mostly agree. And even when I try to think of things that are intellectually and emotionally meaningful to me and/or could generally represent my person I just -- either I draw a blank or I can't make up my mind. It seems like the options are endless and if I can't understand the logic behind it how can I ever be sure? Yet I see so many people who think they know what their patronus would be. How? How did you come to that conclusion?

Ah, also, I finished Philosopher's Stone but I haven't started the next one yet.

Lastly, I've been pondering this whole kinky fandom thing.

So, it's not all porn left and right, of course. But let's be real, smut is like ninety-five percent of fic. So... okay, I take it back. SNORT. There is basically porn wherever you look. (Thankfully, Because I need my fix, you know? ;D)

Sneaking my way back into HP/HD fandom has been brilliant so far but I'm starting to see a flaw in the plan. See, I have the same username everywhere online and it is also a nickname I've gone by for half my regular life outside of the internet. Well, perhaps not the full name Maccadole every time, but it is very commonly known throughout both my online and offline life. People in English usually call me Mac because it's convenient, while Swedish friends refer to me as "Macca" with a more Swedish pronunciation. (Funny story, "macka" means sandwich - and is pronounced the same way - so I've heard every snack related pun ever.) Either way all my different personas, so to speak, are kind of interconnected. I mean, obviously, because I'm the same person no matter what platform I use. But you know what I mean.

I'm not ashamed of the things I like and read, per se, but I'm not sure I'd want it to be publicly known, you know? Not even online, in that widespread way. I have a video blog, for example, that is mostly about my regular life. Sure I reference nerdy fandom stuff there at times, but mostly not? Not in that way, at least, if that makes sense? It's more tame, so my vlog definitely wouldn't be the place for kinky stuff. I'm considering getting a Facebook, too, and I'd definitely have family on there and I feel like one thing could lead to another and, uh, it's a slippery slope. Especially if I keep working with children and teens and some "real life" person (I've never liked that term, because, what, the internet isn't real?) finds out about my online activity...

If they were to find my Tumblr and see some dorky image or gif set I reblogged weeks or months ago, sure. If they found my latest tweet from ages ago, that'd be fine too. But like I say, then my username is the same everywhere and one thing could potentially lead to another, and so on and so forth. It'd be a bit awkward to say the least if people who don't understand "our world" suddenly learned that I dabble in, I don't know, sexually explicit underage stories? (Well, depending on personal definition and/or what legal system/country you go by. I feel like that can vary a lot in fic.)

Or like incest or age disparity. That's messed up according to most people regardless of character age. It also doesn't matter to most that it's a fictional story about fictional characters, because what they see is me - a real life person - reading that taboo stuff, and that's all that matters. Imagine my workmates for some reason finding that out? That would be terrible on so many levels because they could make really strange assumptions based on that.

Even when it comes to friends, both online and off the internet, whether they're in fandom or not - although I'm mostly thinking of the non-fandom friends I have - I feel like I wouldn't want them to know all the details. And that's the main thing, I suppose, since they're the ones who know me as Maccadole. They could learn all of this, since they know this is me and they know how to use the internet.

What I could do is lock my entire journal, of course, and never post anything elsewhere. But, still, I'd be commenting and such on comms and journals that possibly aren't, and I'd also be active on AO3. I don't know where to draw the line between caution and plain paranoia, though. If I take enough precautions I feel like the only way people would find out specifics would be if they googled my username, and even then I don't know how many hits they'd get of random activity? But I suppose it's not impossible that some comment of mine praising iffy fanwork to no end could turn up as a search result.

Otherwise the only thing remaining, I suppose, would be me changing my username here and on AO3. But I've always been Maccadole. Oh, woe is me. Can you tell that I am overthinking it because I am anxious? Hah.

Because I'd like to be fully open about what I like and dislike. This fandom seems so supportive and engaging and I want to join the fun without having to think of the consequences.


maccadole: (Default)

July 2017


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