maccadole: (Leaves)
[personal profile] maccadole
Title: A Birthday Mission
Author: [livejournal.com profile] maccadole
Pairing: Harry/Draco
Rating: PG
Word Count: 2200
Warnings/Content: Crack. Meta. Bad Humor. Real Life vs Fiction. Getting Together. Veritaserum.
Summary: Harry and Draco belong together. They just need a push in the right direction.
Notes: Happy birthday, [livejournal.com profile] _melodic_!! I don't even know what your thoughts are on dumb, cracky stories so here's hoping you don't hate them? The real fic I started writing for you turned into a beast of a thing, and instead of rushing it, I'm going to take my time and treat it seriously instead. Then I will dedicate it to you, once it's finished. <3 For now, enjoy this unbeta'd piece of nonsense. (I'm so sorry and/or you're welcome!!)



“Hey, wait up!” Someone was running to catch up, by the sounds of it. “Mel!”

Mel frowned when she heard her own name. She gently prodded her bicycle's breaks and slowed to a stop. She rested one foot on the ground and turned her head over her shoulder. A familiar young woman was hurrying up to her.

Mel's eyes widened in disbelief. “Mac...?”

“Hi!” Maccadole said. “Hello. Hi. I'm not stalking you.”

“Um. Hi.”

“Well, I guess I am, but I have a reason,” Mac rushed on. “You know how I started writing you something for your birthday? Well, and you also know how that got away from me? And how I didn't have time to finish it?”

“Uh... Yes?”

“Well, since I didn't have time to write you anything, we're going on an adventure instead. Happy birthday, dear, we're going to Hogwarts!”

Mel shook her head slowly. “We... what? How did you get here? How did you know where to find me?”

“We don't have time for plots or expositions, Mel!” Mac waved her arms dramatically through the air. “We have a mission.”

“A mission...?”

“We're getting Harry and Draco together. They need a push. Come on.”

Mac crouched down and slipped the straps of a large backpack off her shoulders. She unzipped it, reached inside, and managed (with some difficulty) to produce a funny lump of taped together books. The Harry Potter book series, Mel noticed. Tied, with tape and rope, to a closed laptop. “What...?”

“I know.” Mac beamed. “Brilliant, right? I've got fics and fanvids here,” she said, tapping her nails on the visible parts of the laptop, “and some gifs from Tumblr, and whatnot. Then we've got the books, of course.” She reached into her pocket and brought forth a small vial, and poured a bubbling liquid over the stack of books.

It certainly was something.

“Quick!” She stood up and reached for Mel. “Touch the cover and we'll be able to enter their universe.”

Mel decided to humor her new friend, for whatever reason, and hesitantly got off her bike. She leaned down and poked a finger at the top book without even letting her bike go.


****



Tipping slightly to the side, Mel caught herself against something cool and gritty. It was a stone wall, and her fingers were splayed right over a small crack in the flagstone. They were in a corridor lit by torches and her balance was off because she was no longer holding on to her bike, she realized.

“Smart to still wear your helmet,” Mac said beside her. “You wouldn't want to bump your head. I should've thought of that.” She rubbed the side of her head, looking sheepish.

Mel stood up and dusted herself off. She looked around. “Where are we?” It didn't seem likely that they'd really been transported to... Well...

“Hogwarts, of course. Here.” Mac handed her a soft bundle of fabric from her backpack. It turned out to be a black robe. “I downloaded the movies and installed the games, too, so I'm not sure what version we're in, but I figured it'd be better to wear that, just in case.”

“This is...” Mel started, but she honestly had no idea how to finish that sentence either.

“Wicked, and weird, I know.”

Mac seemed very excited, and Mel shook her head incredulously. She unclasped her bicycle helmet and donned her robes, then turned to Mac again. Alright, her heart was speeding up now. She was wearing actual wizard's robes. This was pretty cool, after all. They grinned at each other.

“Let's go!”


****


“It's not our eighth year, though, is it?”

Mel and Mac gaped at each other as Harry and Ron walked towards them. Mel looked back and started. Even at a distance, it couldn't be anyone else. They looked exactly like she'd always pictured. Harry was a perfect image of her personal headcanon and Mel's stomach fluttered with butterflies.

“Holy grapes,” Mac whispered.

“No, I guess not...” Harry replied.

Mel slapped Mac on the arm. “Is this really happening? This is... this is crazy.” She couldn't stop smiling. They were at Hogwarts. Actual Hogwarts. And Harry Potter and Ron Weasley were right there. Mac and Mel stumbled in behind a tapestry and hid in the dark alcove. “Best birthday ever,” Mel breathed as they heard Harry and Ron approach. Mac pulled aside the tapestry so they could see the boys. “Eighth year is real.”

“At least in this universe,” Mac said.

A few feet down the hall, Ron thumped Harry on the back. “Well, mate, see you after your study date, then.”

“It's not a date,” Harry retorted. Ron snorted when he noticed Harry's face turning vaguely red. Mel shared a glance with Mac, hoping against hope. “It's only Malfoy after a—”

Mac squealed and let go of the tapestry, instead searching out Mel's hand and gripping it tight.

“Did you hear that?”

Mel held her breath, but Ron and Harry seemed to move on.

“Here's the plan,” Mac whispered in the darkness. “We're going to dose him with Veritaserum, lock him in a storage cupboard, find Draco and feed him this too, and shove him in there as well. Clearly they're into each other.”

“At least Harry is.” Mel clapped her hands eagerly. “Did you see how flustered he was?”

“Ooooh, for sure,” Mac snickered. “Let's be real, though, Draco's equally besotted.”

“There's no way you're not right.” She heard Mac stifle renewed giggles. “But, the plan. Isn't that a bit strange? And um...”

“Morally dubious? Ethically wrong? Generally iffy?” Mac said, cheerfully. “Oh yes! And we love it.”


****


With Harry safely squared away in a corner of the library, without them having to do anything, the girls lurked around the shelves, waiting for Draco to make an appearance.

This seemed like it'd be easier than they thought, but Mel still had questions.

“How are we going to get them to drink the Veritaserum? How do you even have Veritaserum? Where did you get a potion before we even got here?”

“Magic,” Mac said, for the umpteenth time, with a bright grin on her face. Mel gave her a long, exasperated look. But eventually she smiled too, and huffed out an amused laugh.

“You can't keep saying that, you know. It's not an answer that makes sense.”

“Of course I can.” Mac was very chipper, indeed. “It doesn't have to make sense. Why does it even matter?”

“Well, I think I'm supposed to represent common sense here...”

“Pfff.” Mac waved it away. “Overrated. This is meta crack, darling, let's just go with it.”

Mel thought she had a point, and that is why she helped usher every other person out of the library. (And how they got Madam Pince out of there is its own story, let me tell you.)

When Draco finally arrived, and sauntered off in search of Harry, they discreetly barricaded the doors before they sneaked back. Draco had sat down opposite him at the large table.

“That's atrocious, Potter,” Draco said.

“Yeah, well, that's the way it is.” Harry stubbornly crossed his arms over his chest. “If you don't like it, then leave.”

“Oh no,” Mel whispered in despair. It was true that she adored banter, but how would Harry and Draco be able to rib each other if they weren't even in the same place? “We gotta do something.”

“I knew this wouldn't work.” Draco stood up and slammed a large book shut. The sound was loud in the vast and empty library. “I can't study like this.”

Harry rose from his chair. “Neither can I.”

“Forget it, then.”

“Fine,” Harry agreed. “Forget it!”

“Shit,” Mac exclaimed. “We need to improvise. Quick, do something!”

“Uhh.” Mel looked around wildly. “There's nothing. What can we do? Oh! The bottle, throw it at them.”

Mac fished out the bottle of Veritaserum and threw it in the right direction as best she could. It flew in a high arch and landed on the wooden table, breaking and splashing undiluted potion over Harry's and Draco's robes.

“Wow... I guess I aim better in fiction than I do in real life,” Mac said, pleased with herself. “I mean, this is real. I'm not breaking the fourth wall.”

“What!” Harry squawked.

Mel patted Mac's shoulder, her eyes never leaving the scene in front of them. “Oh, don't worry about it. It was a lost cause from the start.”

“Still, you're having a good time, ri—?” Mac broke off at Draco's alarmed shout.

“What is this? Who's there?!”

“Malfoy, calm down.”

“I shall not!”

“It's only water. It's just a prank.” Harry was brushing his robes down and looking at the small pool of serum on the table. “What's got you so worked up? It clearly didn't do anything.”

Draco was rubbing his sleeve against his mouth. He made a small noise in the back of his throat. “Only water? ONLY WATER. Potter, this is—” He bit his lip, hard. Harry was looking at him funny now, and Mel was looking delighted.

“Oh,” she whispered to Mac. “I thought we'd distract them, or that we could pretend it was something else. But I think...” she trailed off, unable to say it. Ohh, it was too good. Some of the Veritaserum must have splashed onto Draco's face, surely. He was going red now.

“YOU!”

Harry paused and blinked. “I didn't do this.”

“No, you imbecile,” Draco said through gritted teeth, his eyes closed. When he opened them again, Harry seemed even more confused. “You are why I'm worked up.”

“Why would I...”

“Don't,” Draco hissed.

“...get you worked up? I know we don't get along all the time, but what else is new. I told you I didn't do this, so calm down.”

“You blasted nitwit.” Draco moved around the table, dragging his hand through the liquid as he went. “I think you're less of a repulsive prat these days.” Harry scoffed and opened his mouth to speak. “And this isn't water.” With that, Draco stuffed a fingertip between Harry's lips, his palm over Harry's chin and mouth. He moved in close, glaring angrily, and Harry stared back. His eyes went wide.

“Maffoy...”

“Yes?” Draco said, angrily. “Whatever is the problem, Potter?”

“I fanphy you.”

“Oh, for Merlin's sake.” Draco withdrew his finger. “What was that?”

“Um. I think, er, you're right that this isn't water. I said I fancy you.”

“Good,” Draco smirked. “Just wanted to make sure.”

Mel stared, with her mouth open, as Draco dipped Harry over the table and snogged him senseless.

“Holy fuck,” Mac said, and Mel could only agree.

Then, as the perverted fans they were, they stayed and watched the boys make out and grind against one another. Mac even brought out a small selection of vegetable snacks, as well as popcorn, that she'd packed

“Happy birthday,” Mac said, and leaned her head against Mel's shoulder. “Too bad they didn't choose the other side of the library though.”

“Why?” Mel chewed happily as she watched Harry grope Draco's ass.

“Because,” Mac said, “the moon's on the other side of the castle and they would've looked amazing with the light shining on them through the windows.”

“Don't you mean Draco would've looked amazing?” she teased.

“Hey, no fair.” Mac bumped her shoulder into Mel's in mock annoyance. “You know that early Drarry classics ruined me by constantly bathing him in moonlight. I can't help it. Besides,” Mac said with a goofy grin, “I think a weakness for Draco illumined by the moon is the least of my problems. Look at what we're doing.”

Mel chuckled. “Fair point.” They smiled at each other and then looked back at the boys that had brought them together, and whom they'd now brought together. “You're completely insane, aren't you?”

“Yep,” Mac said, contently. “I am.”

And as the story faded to black, ready for the end credits, Mel's voice rang out one last time.

“...How are we getting home again?”


~THE END


Date: 2016-10-26 05:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_melodic_/
Oh my god hahaha crack fic, and crack fic written by you… This is going to be glorious I just know it. I am so excited to read this. I'm out right now but will be devouring it tonight… I can't wait! ❤️❤️

Date: 2016-10-26 08:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] maccadole.livejournal.com
Bahhh. :D :D Take your time. The adventure will await you eagerly. You may begin whenever you wish.

Date: 2016-10-26 05:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oceaxe.livejournal.com
Oh my god, that was ADORABLE! "Early drarry classics ruined me by constantly bathing him in moonlight." I'm DYING, this was HILARIOUS! Lucky Melodic!!

Date: 2016-10-26 06:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] maccadole.livejournal.com
Wow, how timed we are. I read your fic just now.

AAHH, haha, thank you. I'm so happy you appreciated my dorky, bizarre story. ;) I kind of took the easy way out and wrote some fun nonsense instead of making a real effort.

Date: 2016-10-26 07:51 pm (UTC)
capitu: (Hufflepuff ~ fashion [default])
From: [personal profile] capitu
Oh my god, this is hilarious! I loved how magic fixes everything! LOL

And

“Eighth year is real.”

“At least in this universe,” Mac said.


Also of course:

“You know that early Drarry classics ruined me by constantly bathing him in moonlight. I can't help it.

LOL! You two are so all of us. This is gold. :D

Date: 2016-10-26 08:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] maccadole.livejournal.com
Hahaha, thank you for reading. I feel like I could've made more of an effort but I actually had fun writing this, so meh. LOL.

Seriously, though, I have SUCH a boner for Draco in moonlight. I don't care if it's cheesy, I love it every time it happens.

Date: 2016-10-26 09:00 pm (UTC)
birdsofshore: (curlew)
From: [personal profile] birdsofshore
OMG, YESSSSS! I love crack, and meta fic, and authorial insertion, and this is GOLDEN, eeeeeeee! I adore it. So funny and clever, and this:

“Maffoy...”

“Yes?” Draco said, angrily. “Whatever is the problem, Potter?”

“I fanphy you.”

“Oh, for Merlin's sake.” Draco withdrew his finger. “What was that?”

“Um. I think, er, you're right that this isn't water. I said I fancy you.”

“Good,” Draco smirked. “Just wanted to make sure.”


has made my evening! :DDD

Date: 2016-10-26 09:00 pm (UTC)
birdsofshore: (curlew)
From: [personal profile] birdsofshore
Oh and the vegetable snacks! *clutches sides*

YESSSSSS

Date: 2016-10-26 10:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] maccadole.livejournal.com
Hahah, aahh, you do?! How wonderful! Ohh, thank you, dear. Goodness, it was so fun writing this madness. It was kind of rushed, but it made me chuckle, and that's all that matters.

Yesssss, so glad you appreciated the vegetable snacks too. Sweets are overrated.

Date: 2016-10-26 10:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kerrilee75.livejournal.com

Mac, you are amazing!! I love this sooooo much!! I couldn't stop squealing and squeeing with all the awesomeness you packed into this. And all the little personal Melissa stuff is just really spot on and brilliant! You win so hard with this crack fic! 😘😘😘😍😍

Date: 2016-10-26 10:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kerrilee75.livejournal.com

Fanphy literally made me guffaw!

Date: 2016-10-27 02:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] maccadole.livejournal.com
Hahaha, ohh, you're so sweet. I'm so glad the personal Melissa stuff caught your eye and that you liked it. Oh, goodness, and the "fanphy" part was delightful to write, I must admit. LOL.

Date: 2016-10-27 02:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_melodic_/
Ahhhhhahahahahhaa!!!!

This is amazing, AMAZING! I don't even know where to start!!

I mean, from the very first few lines I was already laughing aloud, giggling like a school girl and excitedly elbowing Forrest on the way to dinner as I expressed just how amazing this story already was!

“Hi!” Maccadole said. “Hello. Hi. I'm not stalking you.”

Pffttt, how could our relationship ever not be stalking!?! It's the foundation of our glorious friendship!

“Smart to still wear your helmet,” Mac said beside her. “You wouldn't want to bump your head. I should've thought of that.” She rubbed the side of her head, looking sheepish.

OMG I loved this, hahaha! You felt so very Luna to me and I just adored it!

Mac squealed and let go of the tapestry, instead searching out Mel's hand and gripping it tight.

Haha, this is so us, this is so us!!! I feel like I virtually did this across the world when I read that line<333

“Morally dubious? Ethically wrong? Generally iffy?” Mac said, cheerfully. “Oh yes! And we love it.”

Ahhh this is again so very us! Yes, give us all the dub-con, yessssss~

(And how they got Madam Pince out of there is its own story, let me tell you.)

Ahahaha, I love this, I love it so much! It makes me feel like this could somehow become a series about our adventures in Harry Potter land!

“Uhh.” Mel looked around wildly. “There's nothing. What can we do? Oh! The bottle, throw it at them.”

Mac fished out the bottle of Veritaserum and threw it in the right direction as best she could. It flew in a high arch and landed on the wooden table, breaking and splashing undiluted potion over Harry's and Draco's robes.


So ridiculous, oh my so wild. I love it!!! I think I would have said this to you for sure and we would have just gone for it!

“I fanphy you.”

“Oh, for Merlin's sake.” Draco withdrew his finger. “What was that?”

“Um. I think, er, you're right that this isn't water. I said I fancy you.”

“Good,” Draco smirked. “Just wanted to make sure.”


Eeee, eeeee!!! I can't even say who was squeeing more--my fictional self or my real life self!!

Mac even brought out a small selection of vegetable snacks, as well as popcorn, that she'd packed


Hahaha, you brought snacks! And vegetable snacks!! Ahhh you are so thoughtful as always!

“Happy birthday,” Mac said, and leaned her head against Mel's shoulder. “Too bad they didn't choose the other side of the library though.”

“Why?” Mel chewed happily as she watched Harry grope Draco's ass.

“Because,” Mac said, “the moon's on the other side of the castle and they would've looked amazing with the light shining on them through the windows.”

“Don't you mean Draco would've looked amazing?” she teased.

“Hey, no fair.” Mac bumped her shoulder into Mel's in mock annoyance. “You know that early Drarry classics ruined me by constantly bathing him in moonlight. I can't help it. Besides,” Mac said with a goofy grin, “I think a weakness for Draco illumined by the moon is the least of my problems. Look at what we're doing.”


OMG everything about this part! Ahhhh, your head on my shoulder (<33333) and the moonlight, ahhh of course the moonlight, and the reference to Drarry classics (you know I love throw backs!)


Just, wow... Words cannot express how wonderful this is, how incredible and how I will cherish it forever. I mean it's one thing to write a fantastic, funny and slightly cracky Drarry fic which is gonna automatically be amazing but to have the meta aspect, to have our personalities and our friendship thrown in there, sigh I am just dead.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you!!! I am overwhelmed by this beauty.


<3_______<3

Date: 2016-10-27 03:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] maccadole.livejournal.com
AAAHH hahahh, I'm so happy you liked it and caught the dumb little nods to various things. In that sense, I tried. But overall I kind of did a lazy job. Lol. But Hey, s'long as you had a laugh. And I chuckled while writing it, for sure. It's SO RIDICULOUS and absolutely the way it should be.

Pffttt, how could our relationship ever not be stalking!?! It's the foundation of our glorious friendship!

LOL, excellent point. Slash and stalking. Good, we don't sound nuts at all or anything. Hehe.

And of course I had to get some (lack of) moonlight in there as well. There was even some blink-and-you-miss-it tapping. ;) Did you catch that?

Ahahaha, I love this, I love it so much! It makes me feel like this could somehow become a series about our adventures in Harry Potter land!

Ohhhh, don't tempt me~~

Date: 2016-10-28 12:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_melodic_/
Hahahhaa oh my god I had missed the tapping part! Ahhh thank you for pointing it out! hehehe that is amazing!!!

<333

Date: 2016-10-28 03:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] carpemermaid.livejournal.com
Bahahahaha this is just the most excellent thing ever! My sides hurt from laughing so hard, you fiend! I'm just so pleased that your signature Holy Grapes made it into the dialogue, hahaha!!!! And the lines about the moonlight!!! *dies forever and ever*

Date: 2016-10-28 09:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] maccadole.livejournal.com
Aah hahah I'm so glad you liked it. LOL I'm so thrilled that people find my expression amusing too. Of course I had to get it in there somehow.
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