maccadole: (Gate)
Hello, Internet.

You know, a couple of years ago I actually read through my entire journal to see if I'd shared anything private or too embarrassing that I wanted or needed to put on private/delete. I'll admit that the opposite of what I expected happened - I found entries I wanted to change to public. There was nothing I was ashamed of that I wanted to delete. Some things made me cringe, but mostly stuff tickled me.

I haven't been active here for a very long time, for many reasons. I'm not as active in fandom anymore. My main thing used to be TV shows and I hardly ever watch them anymore. I watch more than I realize, I think, but I mostly do it with friends. I don't sit around and binge things on my own, every moment of every day, the way I used to.

Livejournal hasn't been "the thing" to do, in general, either, so I - along with so many other people - moved on to Tumblr. I also have a Twitter account but I don't use that either. It's all very sporadic. Besides, when I do use Tumblr it's to mindlessly reblog things I am currently interested in and often tag it with ridiculous Internet/Tumblr language. You know, the way we all do. At least at times. At least mostly.

I was pretty used to getting into things heavily around the time I left LJ. I know I wrote about about Sherlock and how I was crazypants about it and BennyC. Truth is, much like with things that followed, it was very brief. There was a time when I got into things for a few years at a time, but that hasn't been the case for a while now. Or, hmm, it depends. A friend of mine turned me onto podcasts and some reality comedy shows, like the improv show Whose Line is it Anyway. I'm confident I've mentioned it before, but I'm not sure? I still listen to podcasts on and off and Whose Line kind of persists, even though it's a background thing since long ago. But it's still there and I still think of it often. I may not be active in that small fandom but I still go over aspects of it with said friend every now and again. You see, it ended up being a very important part of my life in a way.

If a fannish interests flares up, or I get properly into a fandom, then it tends to be very brief. The Whose Line thing lasted almost two years so I know it's ridiculous to call that brief. But it was also a kind of off-and-on-again thing. Also it was rare. Like I say, me getting into things in that long-term way? It doesn't really happen anymore. I can get obscenely obsessed with things in a very brief and intense way, and then it's gone.

As for life?

Well. I worked at a preschool for a bit. It was a kind of internship, you could say. I've known that I love working with young kids since I was a teenager, myself, 'cause I sort of got it confirmed when I was sixteen and got a summer job at one. When the chance presented itself again, last year, for a kind of practice job or whatever? I instantly asked if there was any way I could be placed at a preschool, regardless of whether or not it'd lead to a paid position later on. The people who helped me work stuff out eventually pulled it off and I had a few extremely happy months at that preschool. Unfortunately I got sick a lot and decided to quit after spending six days in the hospital. I was never in any danger, but I had a REALLY terrible cough and they even checked me for pneumonia. I was born with a heart and lung condition and although the heart was fixed when I was a child, I still only have about a lung and a half. I use one lung, you could say. That's usually the easiest way of explaining it. So, imagine only being able to breathe half as much as you can now - and then cut that in half as well. It, uh, wasn't fun. I expected to get regular colds a lot because working in a new environment, even without all the sniffling kids and such, kind of brings that on. But, uh, I never thought it'd get that bad. And that happened three times within a couple of weeks.

Things is, we later found out the building was infested by mold so badly that it has to be torn down. I'm not naive enough to think that that was the sole reason I got so sick, but I'm hoping I can twist that negative fact into something positive. It'd be lucky if I only got so excruciatingly sick because of that, you know? Because if I got regular colds, like I did at first, then I could live with that. I was healthy for my first couple of weeks there, then I had a regular cold for a few days. After that time I made it a while longer. But with time it only got worse and more frequent. That'd make sense with the prolonged exposure, right?

I miss it every day and I'm still considering going back to try it again. They even DID offer me a job. A real job, dammit. Part time, but still. Do you have any idea how insane that is? I don't even have a specific education when it comes to child care, and I would've been able to work with what I love. That just doesn't happen.

But right now I work with teenagers and help supervise them when they work in their student-run cafe. The preschool kids are currently staying in the same building, because it's in the same area and they haven't rebuilt their place yet. That means I have the opportunity to visit 'em. :D I plan on doing that a lot, haha, although I've only been once so far. They remembered me and screamed my name and asked me to play with them. The staff hugged me, too, and wanted to know everything about how I was doing now. It made my soul so happy and light. Uggh. So maybe that can be a sneaky way of trying it out and seeing if exposure to all those people - both kids as well as the adults - in such a small space is what gets me sick quicker or not. God. I'm dumb enough to want to go back there regardless, though, and I find I have to remind myself that it wasn't fun to be that sick. I chose to quit, after all. I must've done so for a reason - and I did. I try to remember that when I want to take back my decision all willy-nilly. We'll see what happens.

Actually, as far as fandom goes, and that dorky side of my life, I realize I do have something I'm into at the moment. After having not been actively into it since 2005ish, I am now back in the Harry Potter fandom. Kind of where it all started, for me. I found this tragically hilarious and adorable Harry/Draco fic - in Swedish, written without a plan, of course, and left unfinished - that I'd written way back in the day. That led me to reminisce with a friend of mine about one of the first (if not the first) English novel length fanfics I ever read. Also "Drarry," of course. So, I read it again, because it was still online.

I hadn't touched the books or the movies for five years at that point. Well, I still haven't. But now I want to. I want to read the book series again, and yet five years isn't that long. I always loved the franchise, of course, and my interest would spike whenever a new book or movie came out, but then it died down again to merely simmer in the background of my heart and mind. But, now, since January...? I don't know. It's spiked once more.

I read that old fic again and it made me remember how much I like that universe and how fascinated I am by the wizarding world. It made me remember moments and characters, and places and things. And the absolute, nonsensical perfection that the pairing of Harry and Draco is. It makes no sense, and yet it does. It can, if you let it. I found myself loving it sort of ironically - again - and after I finished re-reading that old story I kind of... wanted more. So I read another. And another. And another. (Since then I've branched out and read other pairings, too, though.)

Haha, no, I don't know either. But let me tell you that I don't ship it ironically anymore. I like a lot of strange pairings in fic, and I'll try almost anything if it's well-written. As for canon stuff, though? Well, that's a different story. Literally.

That's partly what made me return here, I remembered. See, I may want to use this account to sneak around communities and such, because I'm starting to notice, as I lurk, that there are still people active here in that section of the fandom. Hm, hm. And the more fic I read, the more I keep seeing the same names over and over again. They write, they comment, they mention each other. I kind of want to befriend them all? (Desperately, at times.) I also find myself listening to "wrock" which I didn't even do back when I was younger. Sure I listened to a few songs here and there, but I was never really into it in that way. And now I have wizard rock in my music library. This is my life now. I've come full circle.

And it's beautiful, I must say. Ridiculous, of course. But beautiful.

Oh, erm. And my cat/s (I think I mentioned the older, first cat passing but I don't think I've posted here since my cat died?) and my dog have passed away, sadly. But I have two new cats - two brothers - and I've had them foor... three years? I forget. Time flies. So, you know, although I miss the cat that was MY cat - the one that passed away more recently of the two previous ones - and I miss my dog terribly, I'm doing okay.

I am more confident and secure in myself now, even though I have anxiety. I've grown up quite a bit just these past few years and although my mood goes up and down (much like it does for everyone) I'm dealing with it better now. I've had dips but I've learned to share with friends and seek help when needed. The minor socially awkward stuff that used to cripple me before isn't really an issue anymore, because I thankfully grew out of that. I've had other issues, on and off, but I've got it under wrap right now, I'm happy to report.

I do still video blog, too, but I find I miss writing at times. I've considered posting an update here for a long time, and I don't know if I will keep this up or if it's a one-time thing but I figured it was time to put something a little newer here at least, haha.

I think that'll do for now, though. If I think of anything else that I wanted to point out or share just in general, I can always write another entry. Yeah?

I hope you're doing well. Feel free to say hello if any old flistie sees this and feels ever so inclined. :D Take care.

Love,
Mac
maccadole: (Gate)
It's slightly frustrating when Mother plans to clean the floors and then doesn't move furniture to vacuum. I asked her just now if she'd vacuumed in the corner of the bathroom and she said she hadn't moved the basket, no. Which means it hasn't been vacuumed for months. Poor corner.

I helped with two rooms and then I realized it's half past eight by now and I want to shower and have a snack and have time to relax tonight. She's been sitting in front of her computer for ages, so I indirectly asked if she planned to clean more by asking if I should remove the cleaning stuff. I expected her to go, "Oh, no, leave it, I am going now!"

Instead the reply was, "The thing I plan to watch starts in nine minutes."

Soo. I guess her cleaning the floors meant doing a half-assed job and me doing half of it and then us leaving the rest until tomorrow?

Right.

I'm not too annoyed, really, but... very slightly frustrated? Almost more confused. I can't put a word to it. But I don't care much, because most of it's done and I plan to just take it reaaaaally easy tonight and tomorrow. After last year I REFUSE to stress and panic before Christmas. It ruins everything. I want plenty of time to enjoy myself this year. :D

I think I will shower tomorrow instead. I'll go make tea now and watch julkalendern and enjoy my evening. :D Tomorrow it's time to pick my brother up from the airport. It's been a year since I last saw him. Yay!

Have a nice holiday, people. Merry Christmas and all that.

  DFTBA
    Mac
maccadole: (Gate)
After showering yesterday evening I realized I'd want to change my sheets as well, and so I did. 

One sheet from the linen closet smelled a bit weird. Not bad, really, but not entirely pleasant. I probably wouldn't have been able to tell once I'd put it on my mattress... but of course I didn't want to use a sheet that smelled unplesant after I noticed it. I decided to throw it in the wash.

I told Mother we need to stop leaving laundry in the machine for hours after it's done. You need to hang it within a certain amount of time, or you wash it again.

Early this afternoon I noticed the light on the washing machine was glowing. "Ah, the washer's on!" I thought. I figured I'd offer to help hang the laundry. Now, I'd already been to the bathroom once that day and missed it. She must've put it on before I woke up. After this she decided to have a bath later before hanging the laundry.

By now it's been over five hours since I first noticed she'd done the laundry. It's still in the machine.

When I last night told her this needs to stop.

Great! That worked great. Thanks for listening to me.

What's also annoying is that my laptop refuses to work properly. It's taken it eight months to crap out. It's not broken, no, but all the little things are weird. No matter how I reboot and scan and clean and uninstall and/or reinstall.

Sigh.
maccadole: (Helen)
I felt like crap last winter. I feel much better now.

I've been climbing upwards for months now. Spring was amazing, and summer's been rad. (Yes, I said 'rad'.)

Summer has always been the season when I recharge my mental batteries so I have enough energy to survive the rest of the year. Especially so I have enough energy to survive the winter season.

I actually enjoyed bits and pieces of last winter. Like I said earlier, for example, I had a lot of fun during spring. I was in a good place. Well, winter-spring. Not spring-spring. But that, too, of course.

It was a very peculiar thing for me to feel good during winter. The winter season can be beautiful and fun and it's not that I hate it. It's just very dark and inconvenient and connected to a sense of pessimism for me. And let me clarify, when I say winter is dark I mean it's literally dark outside most of the day because the sun sets very early.

I think this winter is going to be better although I obviously don't know for sure. The prospect of it scares me a little, I must admit. I think a lot of this is pure emotional habit. I have this default negative feeling when it comes to winter.

It's kind of confusing (not to mention conflicting) to feel hopeful, yet scared. Scared because a part of me is sure it'll be crap like it always has been.

I definitely think I prefer feeling a mix of emotions, though, instead of simply feeling bad. It's true that it's easier to deal with bad things if you already feel like shit, expect shit, and everything is shit. Period. At least it is for me. If you're already at the bottom of the well you can't go any deeper. You can't fall down, and that's the best bit because I hate getting up only to fall down time and time again.

For that precise reason it can be very easy to stay down. If you're down, and you don't care, then the bad things are only things. There is no bad because there is no good. It makes it easier to deal with everything negative thrown your way. But once you get up again you realize just how nice it is to feel good. I definitely prefer to feel good even if it means I have to struggle with bad things every now and then. It's not always easy dealing with depressing stuff when you're knocked off your happy throne all of a sudden, no, but the effort you put into getting up again is definitely worth it.

Even when you know it's worth it, though, it can be tricky to keep feeling good. Finding the strength to get back up again when you're feeling down because of negative emotions can be hard.

That's why a small part of me is freaking out when it gets dark in the evening.

I know I'll be fine but I still worry, you know? I think of last winter and worry it'll be the same even though things are different now. It's annoying that it barely makes sense. I keep contradicting myself. Then again, I think, this is what I say/worry about at the end of every summer. And I always make it through the year. Even if it turns rough I will somehow make it through because I always do! It's that simple. The odds are ever in my favour.

But then I also think that, you know, it gets harder and harder every year.

I don't know.

I can't really stand the idea of summer being over already. It's not even over yet! But things are slowly going back to their normal fall/winter schedules and the darkness outside my window is a constant depressing reminder of it. It freaks me out.

If I was in the same bad place as I was last fall I'd fearlessly stroll around in the dark, not caring about anything. Which can seem like a pretty sweet deal at first glance. It does still seem pretty great even to me because to be honest I'm actually quite scared of feeling this good. It was easier when my mind had been wiped blank from all the negative thoughts. Caring is scary. I feel utterly vulnerable and it's terrifying. But it's worth it, it's all so worth it.

What terrifies me even more than this fear of the dark (figuratively speaking, because I don't actually fear the dark itself as such) is the fact that I used to not fear it.

I never want to go back to that.
maccadole: (Default)
I'm feeling a bit low today. No, that's not even a good word for it. But I'm- ah! I'm feeling a bit off.That's the word.

I just realized why. Mother started work today. It's her first day after, like, five weeks of vacation. I probably got used to having her around. I mean, she'll be watching TV or hanging in her room and sometimes we won't speak for hours. Then we bump into one another in the kitchen and say hi, later we cook dinner, etc. It's not like we're always spending time together. But it's nice just having her around.

Now I am sitting here alone, bored and uninspired. I was supposed to go outside earlier. Did I? Noo. And then I had a headache and napped and now it's really cloudy and that doesn't help my mood. But it's still warm outside even though there's no sunshine. I will eat dinner and take Bell out for a walk later. I think I will feel better once I've eaten.

Bored bored bored. I wish my friends lived closer to me so I could hang out with them every now and then. It's very fun planning when to meet and then be in their company for seven days straight. But the period between those times of meeting can get very slow and boring. It'd be great to be able to hang out on a more regular basis, in small doses as well as big.
maccadole: (Default)
My most constant first world problem is that I live in an apartment with THE smallest balcony, and it only has sunlight early during the day. The houses here are practically built on top of one another, too, so it's not very pleasant sitting right outside the door either, on a public bench that's falling apart, having 100 windows staring at you. 

I wish I had a yard. A yard that was open, and lovely, and didn't have five dozen neighbors being able to stare at me all at once. A yard with soft grass I could lie on top of while I read or listen to podcasts.

Perhaps even a big yard so Bell could run around free.

I also miss water. I used to live right next to water, in fact, and we had a really nice view. Now I have to take the bus for ten minutes and then walk for a few before I can see water. There's a forest right outside the door, though, so I spend time there.

And I guess I can bike down to the hills and lie down there. But I wish I didn't have to pack stuff and transport myself (and possibly Bell) places before I can enjoy being outside.

I always get really tired of this during the second half of summer. It feels like the only way I can be outside is to take walks. I want to just relax! I wish we had a house, or a summer place, or anything. Blurgh.

In other news we have a new car now! That is pretty sweet. This car is crazy modern and pretty compared to the previous one and I love it. Hurray for upgrading.

Well.
I will go have tea now and then try to figure out a way to be outside to enjoy the little warm weather we have without going insane.

Bye.

Hello!

Jul. 11th, 2012 09:30 pm
maccadole: (Default)

Wow. Okay.

I'm writing this on my phone. I've never tried this, but I have things to say and I'm currently not at home. This means that I've left my trusted laptop at home and we are now apart. It's very painful, thanks for asking.

My life situation right now...

Well: That pathetic moment when you've fallen deeply in love with your friend's OC.

I have no idea how I ended up here. I mean for kitten's sake, he's my friend's original character from a fic in which he's a secondary character. He mostly runs around in the background.

Why am I brutally in love with him?

You know when you fall for people from shows? Yeah, it's exactly like that. I'm extremely in love with his character. I hope it's flattering more than weird.

It feels weird. It's so utterly strange because I don't have much to base it on. It feels like you have more to work with when you fall for TV characters. Seasons of stuff to draw from, and a face to be attracted to.

Although I suppose it could be better when it's a book, or similar, in a way. Then you're only limited by your own imagination and the person you're reading about can look however you want. Rob is described as handsome. Of course he looks perfect in my mind because I know just what I find cute.

Ugh, I love his characterization so much. And I ship him with one of the actual main characters from the actual fandom. So strange!

I'm pretty sure I've gone mad. This has never happened before.

And in other news, sort of related, I visited Trams for a week recently. She is the one writing said fic. I blame her for this! Making me lose my mind. Then again she blames me for many other things, also related to the fic. Like the fact that it has a slashy B-plot. (Although it's in fact not the main/OC ship mentioned above. It's a main/main one.) She generally blames me for a lot of stuff. Liiike the fact that it's 100k long by now. What, just because I encourage her and help. She's the one writing all those words! After all.

And right now I'm parted from my laptop, as I said, because I'm with Q.

It feels like I haven't met her in ages. It's true, it's been a while. But not as long as it feels like. I assume?

I has an excite! And all that. We're going to watch shows and stupid movies. It's going to be grand. So I better fuck off now, because I'm sitting on her bed planning what to watch. Multitasking. It's what the cool kids do.

Ugh.

My feelings are all over the place.

At times I hate the fact that I don't hate my friends.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

maccadole: (Gate)

Mother and I had to put down one of our cats yesterday. He was fifteen years old, though, and had some issues. If we had been able to afford it, perhaps we could have done more. But even if we had the money, he was old... and who knows what would've happened in the near future anyway. And complications, blah blah...
This was the best thing to do in the situation. Honestly, actually, it was the only choice. Well, we could have kept him around for selfish reasons, while he was in pain (or at least discomfort), until he got really sick. But that wouldn't be fair to him, and we definitely wouldn't have enjoyed his company if we only kept him around for that reason.

I wasn't even that close to him. All right, I mean, the one dream that persisted when I was a kid was me wanting a cat, and he was my first cat. But we never cuddled or anything. He preferred to be alone, or to cuddle with Mother. She was the only person he acted like a normal, cuddly cat with. So in a way she must be suffering more than I am. He would sleep in her bed every night, and nap on the couch with her, and rest in her lap when we watched movies.

The other cat is more of "my" cat. And she remains alive and healthy. We got her about two years after first taking Neko home. Yeah. You read that right. I named my first cat Cat in another language. Because 'neko' means cat in Japanese, if you were unaware. Haha, I know!
But it actually didn't have anything to do with my anime/manga/Japanese culture phase, oddly enough. I was eleven and thought it'd be random and a bit clever, and that's all there was to it.

Now I can't stop crying. The more time passes, the more I want to reverse the decision. Knowing I absolutely literally can't hurts like hell.
Whenever I stop doing something, even if it's just for a few seconds, I burst into tears. For example I was SURE I was going to fall asleep at once last night. I was so sleepy and had already stayed up late. I even managed to laugh when watching funny improv stuff. I also planned to fall asleep while listening to a podcast, to distract myself.

But the moment I closed my laptop I started crying. Then it took ages for me to get ready and get into bed. I just cried, and cried. Which is natural. Probably even good.
Just. Fuck it hurts. All the time.
Eventually I forced myself to start listening to that podcast and I nodded off within minutes.

I mean.
We put down our first family dog many years ago, and my sister died when I was fifteen. I know from experience that you get over this pain, that time heals wounds, and all that.
Except... despite that, I don't understand how I will ever be okay again. Everything feels like shit and I can't be happy. I don't even know if I want to be happy again! I miss him so much.

Today I am going to take a loong, long walk with Bell, my dog, because it helps to be outside. At home it's like I'm seeing him around every corner. Oh, there is his favorite spot, or oh, look, there is the litter box he will never use again. And hey, he walked by here earlier.

I quit.
I want to quit.
Why can't I just quit?

maccadole: (Default)
Uhm.

Even though people don't talk to me a lot, I tend to try to talk to them. Here on LJ that means leaving the occasional comment even if I don't get comments. Have I done that lately? Noo, of course not.

I'm sorry for being rude.
I tend to take more breaks than I am active these days. I get back, tell myself I will read my flist and be up to date, and then... I end up doing that for only a week.

I simply don't feel motivated enough to stay on track. Not just regarding LJ, more regarding everything.
Stuff online, like LJ and Tumblr and Twitter. It goes on and off.

And life stuff. Like WOOO adult stuff, good life choices, cleaning the home and making calls! ... For like a week. And then it's back to INTERNET ALWAYS! Oh, sorry, I guess I should say INTERNET FOREVER!!

I either chicken out of stuff, or don't get enough in return, and so I lose interest and fuck off into the night.

Except for YouTube. I don't watch YouTube anymore. I don't even try, or care to try. I sort of grew out of that community. But I do still vlog. REALLY shitty content, sure, but I do whatever I want, and I always get comments, feedback, and friends from the experience. And so I stay there!

Annnnyway.

What have I done since last time?

I had a dip into the world of The Walking Dead.
Did a rewatch of the first season and then caught up with the half-season I'd missed of season two (at that point). I got sort of very, very hooked and it was a super intense show crush for a few weeks. And character crush. The obvious one, of course. Daryl.
Now it's on break so I'm not as AAAHHH about it, but it's become a favorite of mine.

Sherlock went on break, too, and the few fandom people I was talking to on Tumblr and stuff? Sort of fell away. Not so much because of the break (I mean jesus, Sherlock is always on break) but simply because... Dunno. I should crawl back to daily Tumblr/Sherlock fandom stuff and try to make friends, I suppose, because it is an amazing fandom. Then again I've only ever been in two fandoms...? I have little to compare it with.
But in my opinion it's one of the best out there.

Then a friend of mine went and fell in love with a random American comedian, and after months of British stuff from her, I was shocked and appalled! But then she started linking Whose Line is it Anyway clips featuring him aaaaaand...
Oops I fell and now I can't get up?

I sort of fell deeply in love with Ryan Stiles (the one she fell for was Greg, if you were wondering) and now I am watching all of Whose Line, and reading fic, and watching-- well, everything related, really. And listening to a podcast proopcast.
I just... sort of love everyone involved in that show, past, present, and probably future.

So that happened.

That's it. And life in general is the same, and good, and I have found a new place in the woods to walk with Bell, and I took a walk for several hours today, and almost got lost, and then I went back home and now I am exhausted.

Goodnight!
maccadole: (Gate)
Update, re: last post!

Moved to my room with my trusted laptop. Had a bit of a tiny cry.
[livejournal.com profile] mesmorizee offered to send me an episode of Have I Got News for You featuring an adorable Martin Freeman (whom we all know I love!) without even having read my post. (Unless she did so within seconds of my posting it, which seems unlikely.)
So that cheered me up greatly.

I was visited by a Mother and received a hug, whereupon she knocked something over from my bedside table and we laughed at our luck! Then she said "Dinner?" and I said "Starving!" only not really because Mother does not make it a habit to quote Sherlock episodes in English with me...
But she said 'Come on, shall we make dinner?' and nudged me. I laughed and said, sure, unless we manage to blow up the kitchen first...
She laughed at that.

I watched a bit of HIGNFY, ate dinner, feel much better, and also grinned at myself in the bathroom mirror because my glasses were lopsided. More so than I knew.
They feel okay now. Comfortable but don't sit well, if you know what I mean?

And I am about to have tea and watch Melodifestivalen on TV with Mother.

All is well! The temporary emotional turmoil is over for now!

  DFBTA
    Mac
maccadole: (Gate)
I hate my eyes, and I hate my god damned life, and I hate everything and I am so close to breaking my glasses in half. I literally had to stop myself, twice, when holding them. I started bending them.

I hate everything. Fucking frustration like you don't even know.

Went out in the sun, ooh, nice weather! Let's take a walk for once EVER ever ever ever. Yeah? I play with Bell, and I sit down on the ground and she skips around me, and AGAIN hits me in the face and knocks my glasses off. Whereupon she proceeds to walk and sit on them while I am yelling at her to move away. I am never playing with her again.
She is impossible to play with. She gets too excited and she is too big. If she could STOP JUMPING all over the shitting place.

My glasses fell down, at home, earlier too. They have this dot on the left glass now.
And now this. So they're all bent and uncomfortable and no matter how I bend and bend and bend they STILL feel uncomfortable.

I am just so angry, and tired, and frustrated, and sad, and dgklgldsggdslhgds and my short temper made Mother go "Don't be angry with me!" and I AM NOT ANGRY AT YOU! Is it not understandable that I sigh while I speak because I am sick of the world in general right this moment!?

So now she is angry, too, and I feel like it's my fault, and everything this afternoon sucks so much I just want to literally fucking snap my glasses in half and be done with it or fucking stab my fucked up eyes out and never have to deal with that poor fucking vision ever again.

I can't not wear them, but whenever I do I get so angry and frustrated, but I NEED THEM TO LIVE, and I want my eyes to see in the future when I am not angry and frustrated. So I can't stab pencils in my eyes either.
The dog is worried when we're both angry, Mother is angry, I am about to cry...!

I hate today. I hate hate hate hate today.

Fuck everything.
Can it just be tomorrow already so I can fix my damned glasses and be in a better mood?

Now I am going to go away because there are tears running down my face.

BYE
maccadole: (Sherlock)

Well. It all randomly hit me, and I wrote it as an offline to a friend on Messenger. I was inspired to make a blog entry because of it.
Journal, blog... Whatever you consider this to be!

"I am disgustingly lucky. Despite all the fuckery in my life, I am leading a pretty neat one in the end. And I have a fucking laptop!"

I think it's pretty safe to say that my optimism has returned!

Do you have any idea how many times I have seen posts online about Life with a Laptop? Never could relate. In 2008, for Christmas, I received my Eee PC notebook. Nine inch screen, adorable, very easy to travel with. AND OH MY GOD I could sit with it anywhere I wanted to in the apartment! I was high on that fact for at least a week.

Now I have my first, real, proper laptop. And god effin' damn let me brag: it is a good one!
I am sure there are better ones out there for computer geeks who need 'em, but for me... I mean - wow - most of my friends can't even play HD and such. My Eee obviously couldn't either.
But this baby does!

Ohh, trust me, because I've only had this laptop in my possession for a month it still hits me when I watch YouTube how freaking clear the image is. You have no idea!

Honestly, though, the Eee (Charlie, as I named it) has worked wonderfully! No, honest! It has been slow, ohh so painfully slow, but for some mad reason it's done practically everything I've needed. Given, I don't generally do much on my computers. I mostly browse teh interwebz and chat with friends. But the Eee even played a freaking semi-huge online game for me! I installed it and played it with a bigger monitor hooked up to it.

Yeah, no idea. That thing is magical in my eyes!

Although after I got into Tumblr for realz (and man, sorry, I sort of ignore LJ these days because I accidentally moved to Tumblr permanently) it was a bit frustrating, I must admit. I constantly had to close my browser, and reboot computer, and be extremely patient as it lag lag lagged while I scrolled down my dashboard.

That was literally the best thing about this laptop! I could scroll endlessly through Tumblr without it lagging even once!
I started viewing 720p files of everything I could get my hands on - and same reaction as streaming videos on YouTube (among other sites) - FREAKING QUALITY!!!

All thanks to my brother. He has changed my life this Christmas. (The time I got the Eee Mother had scraped up money for ages, and bought it for me. She wanted to get me a laptop this year but couldn't afford it, which is understandable. That is why I had a shock when my brother gave me this one. I did NOT expect to get a laptop. That was something I was very clear on. And then he'd charged it and installed Messenger, too, and it wasn't even turned off, it was sleeping, the lovely thing, so I could use it at once after I ripped off the wrapping. That was the coolest thing! Usually you have to read at least a small section of the manual and/or AT LEAST charge it and/or install things before you get to play with your new tech.)

Not only can I do mindless shit like scroll through Tumblr, but I can view videos, and actually DO WORK, and check my messages and email fast and easy now. I can edit videos, and I can vlog easier, and everything is wonderful! He has opened so many doors. I don't even think he realizes, although I tried to show him my gratitude with that last hug I gave him before he left, as I thanked him again.

You should have seen me typing on this keyboard at first, though! Just ask my friends. They couldn't understand what I was saying half the time. Literally!
The keyboard is much larger than Charlie's, of course, and the shift and enter key, and apostrophe, are slightly different. It was a mess. "Hello, this is Mac's computer!" would look like "jehwllo. tshu ;ac
s computer s is"

Because shift was never shift. Shift was arrow up or back, and apostrophe turned out to be enter. If not it'd say "mac¨s" all the time. Lower case letters, not a proper apostrophe, all a total mess. I also failed at making question marks.
It was quite interesting, I tell you!

I am blessed with silly technology, great friends, amazing pets, and new optimism.
I feel very thankful.


CIAO!

maccadole: (Sanctuary)
I went to Stockholm with [livejournal.com profile] frejasanne and that was a blast! I followed her around everywhere because I had no idea where we were going, and without her I would've probably gotten lost. Or taken literally hours to get to places. And I would've stayed inside in misery instead of braving town in the rain.

Met up with friends from all over Sweden, sort of, and one local chick actually living in Stockholm. They were all lovely, and it was fun although I was very tired, and the SciFi Game and Film convention was brilliant. Walked around. Met a random guy who knew me, he was nice!
Had two proper conversations with Michael Shanks, got an autograph on my "Daniel-Hat" (lol, the kind of boonie early seasons-Daniel wears a lot), and took two pictures with him. I mean, the actual photoshoot kind.

I suppose I might post about the experience more in detail later?
But right now I am miserable, and I have been since Tuesday, because I have a terrible cold. Worth it! So worth it. I don't mind, really, if this is the price I have to pay for a good time in Stockholm. But I do feel miserable and drugged and tired, and therefore uncomfortable ranting online. Because I honestly have no idea what I'm typing half the time. I'm sort of on the edge of being dizzy most of the time. But I'm sure it'll be fine soon.

Sanctuary rant, spoilers for both last episode and previous ones, and general concerns about future I guess. )

Dear, Self

Dec. 7th, 2011 03:59 am
maccadole: (Daniel - teddy bear)
Dear Past Mac,

Everything is irrelevant because you will one day get to meet Michael Shanks.
And hug him.

Love,
Future Mac

Damididam

Nov. 20th, 2011 12:05 am
maccadole: (Default)
Sanctuary spoilers lalala )
I loved iiiiit!

What did you think?
maccadole: (Default)
Ugh. I love how I am capable of having normal sleeping habits.

I went to bed at half past five a.m. Fell asleep. Woke up at noon when Mother went off to work.
I felt strangely awake and knew that if I slept another half-hour or hour or any amount of time below seven hours, I'd end up sleeping for, well, seven hours. And so I decided to get up.

I sat at the computer for two hours before I realized I should open the blinds, or light a lamp at least, perhaps both... use the bathroom, make breakfast, at LEAST have tea or put on socks so I wouldn't be cold.

And of course I had to pass the bed in order to get out of the room. I have no willpower AT ALL. Literally at all. I was cold, too.

And so I slept. I woke  up when a friend texted me around three. I was surprised I'd only slept on and off for an hour. Perfect nap! I did it once, I could get up again!
I would. Yay!

...

At quarter past six I get up. Yep. Good.
Good, Mac.
Good.

Sigh.

Hurray!

Nov. 12th, 2011 03:33 pm
maccadole: (Default)
I never did post yesterday, like planned.

I just wanted to throw joyous news around, saying that I've fixed my sleeping habits now. My schedule is more or less back on track. I mean it's always a bit to hell because I've always been a night person. Woo for night owls!

Anyway, so I went to bed... Well, I don't remember, but I fell asleep at half past one, and I slept all god damned night, and I got up before eleven and it was bright in my room. Daylight, daylight, freaking SUN! On my face. WHAT EVEN!

Yesterday night I left my computer on to transfer files. Over 400gb of stuff! To my new external. (Called Martin Crieff, oops! What? Shush. I was going to call it just Martin, but that wasn't as fun because I have a distant friend named Martin, although we mostly call him Marty, and hmm... So full name it was! Martin Crieff. Nom!)

Now everything is organized and backupped and brilliantly brilliant! Took all night, and then two hours manual work today. What with the moving other minor folders and files, and the sorting, and yeah.

Dang, I feel accomplished! Also safe. So safe. I've lived with a tiny, tiny computer (when it comes to space and memory and yadayadablah, that is) and only one external with all my shit saved on it... and if that one died, poof, bye-bye, life!

Well, I mean, I've tried to have backups in other places, but I've never had enough room to backup everything.

That's that! Next project should be catching up with shows.

Oh well.
I'm off.

  DFTBA
    Mac

Resistance

Nov. 6th, 2011 03:02 am
maccadole: (Sanctuary)
Woop!
Scrambled together another reaction post or whatevs. Here you are:

Spoilers )


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