Sigh

[maccadole]

Blaaah.

This anime association thing (or whatever) I'm in has changed so much the last year. I started visiting their events years ago. It was so much fun! So much nerdy fun.
And then that board was quitting, and new people took over. Some of those were my friends, and I wanted to join, but I didn't think I had anything to contribute. But they were all "do it! :D" but I never did. And then I regretted that, so I told them "if you ever need help, or another official board member, I'm here!"

And a couple of months later I was asked. So I joined and it was the freakin' best time of my life! I have never had so much fun. We arranged more events, and it was tedious at times, but SO much fun... and, well, we didn't get very far in expanding our association/events... So that sucked, you know, from the association viewpoint. We could've been so much  more! But we were lazy and too busy having fun to focus on expanding.

But then three of the board members moved, and the three remaining had to include new people in the board. And things haven't been the same since. It's slowly been going downhill. The association itself is flying to new heights, and the people aren't bad. But... I'm just not having fun any more.

We lost our... cashier, or treasurer, or whatever it's called, when those three moved. And no one (NO ONE!) wanted to replace her. Money and responsibility is scary, and everyone refused to step up. So I said "Fine, how hard can it be? If you want something done, you have to do it yourself!"
That is the only reason I took the part.
And it REALLY isn't for me.

I crumble under pressure, I stress too much, I don't understand it... I just... no. I don't want to. Then I had a period when I thought, hey, the cashier bit is fairly easy once you get the hang of it! It's everything else with the association I can't be bothered with. I lack motivation. Arranging these mini one-day convention (or whatever to call them) = SOO tedious and sigh. We don't help each other out the way we used to. This new board ain't that bad. We get things done, and it's good! But... At times it's just... I don't know. I feel like I'm badmouthing them. But eh. We're just not as equal as we were before.

People were lazy then, too. There were a lot of moments going down like this:
"I don't wanna!"
"I don't either!"
"Just do it."
"..."
"..."
"Fiiiiiine...!"

Which seems like NOTHING compared to how it's now. Back then you could say "help, please, don't be lazy, asshole! :p" and they'd go "help yourself, idiot! xp" and then we all laughed and people helped each other anyway. Nowadays you can't just say "help" - you have to say "could you please pay a little attention and do that specific thing that needs to be done so we don't have to do everything?"

They're not bad people. They try hard, and they are much, much better at doing the things the last board sucked at. But I ask myself... Is it worth losing that to gain something else?
I, personally, am not having fun. It's a job, a chore, something I have to do. All of it.

And then, out of the three remaining from the last version of the board, one of us took over as chairman. Chairwoman? Chairperson.
Maja, is her name. I think she felt a lot like I did then, and still do, and she has both school AND a job. So she decided to quit. She's out, now. Left us. There goes another one from the fun past.
And now we're going to be lead by one of the new people.

I have been thinking a lot the last two days. They all want to expand and make these events into "real" conventions. They all have grand plans and dreams. That was the idea, before. It's always been the idea. It's a long way before we get there, though.
And I started thinking about it. This goal... This constant goal.

I haven't been at a convention for years. I am not interested enough to pay that kind of money to go to one. A Japan/anime/manga/gaming/cosplay etc one, I mean. I can watch anime - I don't dislike it. I just don't get around to watching it any more. And, like I said, it's not because I dislike it. I just like other things MORE. Japanese culture doesn't interest me at all any more. I've outgrown all of this. I did a long time ago.
But WANO was fun because I liked arranging things, and doing it with my closest friends was amazing! It was about the people. The board and the members. Creating this for them.

Nostalgia. I remember how it was like to be interested in this, and loving these events like WHOA, and how much it meant. That's why I've wanted to stay in WANO and help create this happiness for the new generation! I care about them. I care about the people who care. And they need help to do this.
But now I've outgrown it AND grown tired in general. I've finally realized that I am doing it all for them. I've always done it for them... but before now there was something more in it, for me, as well. Now that's gone. It disappeared, partly, with the people leaving. Fellow board members and friends. And it partly disappeared when I changed as a person. When I realized I HAD changed.

Then again, board people don't have to be friends. They have to get along, but not necessarily be friends. I could stay and try to get over it. I can indeed stay and try to make close friends with the new people, as well, of course. But they are so young. They ARE the new generation. They love Japan and all that goes with it, and they are exactly the kind of people I've been doing this for.

What made the last board so close was that none of us really cared about it in that way. Apart from one person in the last board none of us watched anime, or read manga, anymore. We were all older, too. The youngest one was seventeen years old.
Now the youngest one is fourteen. And I am twenty-three. I don't act like I'm twenty-three, and I don't feel like I'm twenty-three... Mentally, I'm probably not.  But I am older than fourteen.
Not that age has everything to do with it. But sadly enough it's a factor.

But... That's it.

So I think I'm done.
I want to quit.
I just don't know how. I still care about WANO on some level, and that will perhaps never change, and if I leave... Well, they're going to sit there with the same problem on their hands. NO ONE wants to be the cashier. Then again, heartless as it sounds, I guess that's their problem. Why should I care? I need to think about myself. Going on feeling like "I want to quit, I want  to quit, I want to quit, okay... perhaps this isn't that bad, actual-- I want to quit, I want to quit, yay that was almost fun-- I want to quit..." just isn't working. I have fleeting moment when I feel that, hey, this could actually work! But 90% of the time I just want to quit.

But we JUST had the annual meeting for this coming year and I was chosen to keep going as cashier, because I didn't want to give up fully yet. I wanted to try! But then... one day later, I figure myself out. Now I feel so insanely bad. I can't announce I want to quit now! Then... Well, what happens then? I have papers signed with the bank and I assume you can't change things like this just like POOF! Don't we need to have some extra inserted annual meeting and vote to change the board again and blah blah?

Man... I don't know what to do.
I just want to disappear.
Can I please disappear...?