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[maccadole]

Hello.

Not the best place to vent this. Probably too personal and if anyone finds out that I posted this online (aka Mother) I will probably get yelled at or something. No idea. Perhaps my aunt as well. I don't even know what they'd think. I'm tired of worrying about what people think. I have issues, whatever.

I'm tired. So tired.
I'll simply put it all out there and be done with it.

I need to put it somewhere certain people can see, and since they are not on LJ I need to make it public, although I doubt they even remember my journal exits. Like I've mentioned before... since it's not a BLOG blog. But owell. I know some of them check in at times, and maybe they've heard that I'm MIA, and they'll relay this information to the people it's concerning. Then they'll know without me having to tell them face to face. And everything will be awesome.

Sigh.


A lot of people have been circling around me, trying to push me in the right direction, for a long time. Years, really. But the last couple of months have been especially bad. It's no one in particular. Just everyone around me.

They all mean well. I love them all for trying. ... Well, sort of. It gets annoying, sometimes, too. But they mean well.
It's just that when they all stand around me trying to give me a gentle push... they're all pushing in towards me and I get squished in the middle. Too much encouragement can lead to the opposite.

(This is why I never cut my hair when I was a teenager, even though I wanted to at first, because all my friends kept saying "You should do it, do it, you said you were going to do it, aren't you going to do it, I think you should do it, do it!"
It had the opposite effect after a while.)

All this kind pushing is not helping. I AM STILL NOT READY TO DO SOMETHING! I know that makes me a failure at life, or whatever, in the eyes of our society. I'm 24, I should "get a life" already.
But it's not that I'm lazy or any other excuse you think! I AM HONESTLY GOING INSANE! It's been going downhill for YEARS! And people keep saying "Just do it!" about everything negative in my life. How I can't say no to people - "just do it!"
How I can't go study right now - "just do it!"

IT IS NOT THAT SIMPLE! It's not about what I want or don't want to do or some form of laziness! You can't go "you can't always get do what you want! Just do it anyway!" (Oh, Glee songs <3)

I get freaking anxiety and panic attacks due to the smallest things! And then people tell me to stfu and deal with it and "just dive in and you'll learn to get some confidence!"

I CAN'T FREAKING LIVE A NORMAL LIFE! Sometimes I freak out when riding the bus or walking my dog, and TINIEST negative word and I can't breathe and I cry for fifteen minutes. Just the thought of getting an education or... even studying some language course... and then having to find the building and then having to find the CLASSROOM! I'd fail and freak out and just... JUST NO!

Something is seriously wrong with me, and it's getting worse every year. Maybe it WAS about laziness and a normal lack of confidence once upon a time. But that's not it now.

It's like telling a drug addict to "just stop taking drugs" or a person with an eating disorder to "just start/stop eating."
That's how it feels!

And if you reply by saying "BLEH I'm too uninspired" (which is the closest I usually come to telling the truth) and make this face: D: because of how you're feeling and it being the simplest way of putting it, discreetly...
They give you more gentle nudges until you agree to whatever they're saying.
"Yeah, you're right!" you smile, "I only need to try harder. I know that. Mhm, one single course wouldn't be much trouble, I'll consider that! Thank you for the peptalk, I'll go look into that!"

When you know you very well (feel like you) can't do that. But how do you say that?
"Oh, no, studying is currently not an option because I am freaking the fuck out." ("And I get random attacks every now and then, but really you've all sort-of-yet-not convinced me I'm being silly about everything, so this is no exception, I assume, and I'm probably making it up and they're not "REAL" panic attacks... and even if they were real you'd all say they weren't and it's not like I have it diagnosed or anything, so really ignore everything I just said because you'll just say it's nerves and a lack of confidence anyway, and make me feel like a failing idiot for not being able to overcome those small, normal issues everybody goes through.")

That's what I've learned since I was a teenager. Really, it's easier to agree to whatever they say, and then screw it and do whatever you want. At least they shut up, if you do that. And you don't have to explain anything or defend yourself to get to do it your own way. It's so much easier to agree and then get to do whatever you want anyway!
I've never been good at dealing with things.

Little things keep popping up lately. I feel tired, and stressed, and anxious about many things too often. I can barely function at all and I have no idea how to fix it.
The easy way is getting hard because I have to agree with people over and over again. I can't keep this up because I'm so tired these days. Therefore I've started telling people the truth at times. But either people are blind to my problems, or they're too forceful about it. Is it impossible to get something in between? I don't need to be locked up in a mental institution, or anything! (I don't think?)
And I don't need to be hugged and kissed and taken care of like I'm a baby. (Be sympathetic, help, but not like THAT!)
But that doesn't mean I don't have problems and need help with them! But it seems it's either or. Either we lock me up for being completely mental/try to take care of me by cuddling me to death, or I simply get a clap on the shoulder and a "it'll get better, you'll see!"

I get sick of people a lot. I'm so tired of everything these days.
Most of all I'm sick of myself.

Instead of telling people the truth about my situation to make them understand, or saying 'no' instead of 'maybe' or agreeing to stuff, I just dally on and basically lie.

It's so tiring to smile and nod all the time when all I want to do is hide in a corner. And then it loops around, every time, and I always end up most tired of myself instead of other people. Because it's my fault other people do and say the things they do. They're just trying to help, and I'm a crazy douche.

In the end I can't deal with anything and I crumble. At the moment I'm being very mature. I've had my phone off for almost two days now, and I'm staying away from my instant messenger. I was out walking my dog the other day and had a friend rambling on the other end of a phonecall, and my dog was acting up, and I was pissed with myself for not being able to say "No, I don't want to and I CAN'T!" about her gentle pushes for me to get an education... or "I have to go" when another dog showed up and made the situation worse.

It's not about her, specifically. I do this with everybody. I can't say no to anybody. I agree to everything, and I do some things (attend activities or whatever), and I'll listen to anybody for as long as it's needed. SO many things in my life feel like things I "have to" or "should" do. Aaand then it loops back around and I feel angry with myself for making this so in the first place. I just want to do what I want to do! Why is that so hard?
Why can I never say what I want, or need, or feel?

I feel like most things are moments I have to suffer through, I wait them out, and then I can do my own thing. I listen to people, I agree with them, and it might take four hours, yes, but it's EASY! And then it's over and I can go do whatever I want. Some times it gets a bit much and then I'll ignore a call or two, and I hide offline for a couple of hours. Then I'm back in the game again. That's all I've ever done. Until now.

That evening I ended up folding my phone shut, without saying anything, and throwing it several feet away in the snow, and my mittens too, and I yelled at Bell to sit down and shut the fuck up. That worked like a charm, at least. As I picked my things up the other dog was barking and pulling the leash like mad towards her, and Bell stood up, and I. yelled. at. her. She sat back down and behaved better than EVER before all the way home after that.
I guess that's what she needed. I can't even be stern enough with my dog. Why do I even have a dog? Why do I even have THIS dog? If I want a dog I should have a tiny awesomely trained one I can actually handle.

Whatever, not the point.

I'm fucked up and depressed these days, anyway. And I've never been taught to deal with things. I deal in my own way which means suppressing and ignoring things (and people).

Blah blah whine.

Anyway, if anyone involved is reading this, I just need some time alone. I'm sorry I'm a bad friend and just hung up and threw the phone away. I can't handle shit any more.
I'll return to the land of the living normal people when I've regained strength and some of my pride.
Sorry for hurting yours.

For now,

  DFTBA
    Mac

Now I'm off to bed because it's five thirty in the morning.