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maccadoleBlaaah.
This anime association thing (or whatever) I'm in has changed so much the last year. I started visiting their events years ago. It was so much fun! So much nerdy fun.
And then that board was quitting, and new people took over. Some of those were my friends, and I wanted to join, but I didn't think I had anything to contribute. But they were all "do it! :D" but I never did. And then I regretted that, so I told them "if you ever need help, or another official board member, I'm here!"
And a couple of months later I was asked. So I joined and it was the freakin' best time of my life! I have never had so much fun. We arranged more events, and it was tedious at times, but SO much fun... and, well, we didn't get very far in expanding our association/events... So that sucked, you know, from the association viewpoint. We could've been so much more! But we were lazy and too busy having fun to focus on expanding.
But then three of the board members moved, and the three remaining had to include new people in the board. And things haven't been the same since. It's slowly been going downhill. The association itself is flying to new heights, and the people aren't bad. But... I'm just not having fun any more.
We lost our... cashier, or treasurer, or whatever it's called, when those three moved. And no one (NO ONE!) wanted to replace her. Money and responsibility is scary, and everyone refused to step up. So I said "Fine, how hard can it be? If you want something done, you have to do it yourself!"
That is the only reason I took the part.
And it REALLY isn't for me.
I crumble under pressure, I stress too much, I don't understand it... I just... no. I don't want to. Then I had a period when I thought, hey, the cashier bit is fairly easy once you get the hang of it! It's everything else with the association I can't be bothered with. I lack motivation. Arranging these mini one-day convention (or whatever to call them) = SOO tedious and sigh. We don't help each other out the way we used to. This new board ain't that bad. We get things done, and it's good! But... At times it's just... I don't know. I feel like I'm badmouthing them. But eh. We're just not as equal as we were before.
People were lazy then, too. There were a lot of moments going down like this:
"I don't wanna!"
"I don't either!"
"Just do it."
"..."
"..."
"Fiiiiiine...!"
Which seems like NOTHING compared to how it's now. Back then you could say "help, please, don't be lazy, asshole! :p" and they'd go "help yourself, idiot! xp" and then we all laughed and people helped each other anyway. Nowadays you can't just say "help" - you have to say "could you please pay a little attention and do that specific thing that needs to be done so we don't have to do everything?"
They're not bad people. They try hard, and they are much, much better at doing the things the last board sucked at. But I ask myself... Is it worth losing that to gain something else?
I, personally, am not having fun. It's a job, a chore, something I have to do. All of it.
And then, out of the three remaining from the last version of the board, one of us took over as chairman. Chairwoman? Chairperson.
Maja, is her name. I think she felt a lot like I did then, and still do, and she has both school AND a job. So she decided to quit. She's out, now. Left us. There goes another one from the fun past.
And now we're going to be lead by one of the new people.
I have been thinking a lot the last two days. They all want to expand and make these events into "real" conventions. They all have grand plans and dreams. That was the idea, before. It's always been the idea. It's a long way before we get there, though.
And I started thinking about it. This goal... This constant goal.
I haven't been at a convention for years. I am not interested enough to pay that kind of money to go to one. A Japan/anime/manga/gaming/cosplay etc one, I mean. I can watch anime - I don't dislike it. I just don't get around to watching it any more. And, like I said, it's not because I dislike it. I just like other things MORE. Japanese culture doesn't interest me at all any more. I've outgrown all of this. I did a long time ago.
But WANO was fun because I liked arranging things, and doing it with my closest friends was amazing! It was about the people. The board and the members. Creating this for them.
Nostalgia. I remember how it was like to be interested in this, and loving these events like WHOA, and how much it meant. That's why I've wanted to stay in WANO and help create this happiness for the new generation! I care about them. I care about the people who care. And they need help to do this.
But now I've outgrown it AND grown tired in general. I've finally realized that I am doing it all for them. I've always done it for them... but before now there was something more in it, for me, as well. Now that's gone. It disappeared, partly, with the people leaving. Fellow board members and friends. And it partly disappeared when I changed as a person. When I realized I HAD changed.
Then again, board people don't have to be friends. They have to get along, but not necessarily be friends. I could stay and try to get over it. I can indeed stay and try to make close friends with the new people, as well, of course. But they are so young. They ARE the new generation. They love Japan and all that goes with it, and they are exactly the kind of people I've been doing this for.
What made the last board so close was that none of us really cared about it in that way. Apart from one person in the last board none of us watched anime, or read manga, anymore. We were all older, too. The youngest one was seventeen years old.
Now the youngest one is fourteen. And I am twenty-three. I don't act like I'm twenty-three, and I don't feel like I'm twenty-three... Mentally, I'm probably not. But I am older than fourteen.
Not that age has everything to do with it. But sadly enough it's a factor.
But... That's it.
So I think I'm done.
I want to quit.
I just don't know how. I still care about WANO on some level, and that will perhaps never change, and if I leave... Well, they're going to sit there with the same problem on their hands. NO ONE wants to be the cashier. Then again, heartless as it sounds, I guess that's their problem. Why should I care? I need to think about myself. Going on feeling like "I want to quit, I want to quit, I want to quit, okay... perhaps this isn't that bad, actual-- I want to quit, I want to quit, yay that was almost fun-- I want to quit..." just isn't working. I have fleeting moment when I feel that, hey, this could actually work! But 90% of the time I just want to quit.
But we JUST had the annual meeting for this coming year and I was chosen to keep going as cashier, because I didn't want to give up fully yet. I wanted to try! But then... one day later, I figure myself out. Now I feel so insanely bad. I can't announce I want to quit now! Then... Well, what happens then? I have papers signed with the bank and I assume you can't change things like this just like POOF! Don't we need to have some extra inserted annual meeting and vote to change the board again and blah blah?
Man... I don't know what to do.
I just want to disappear.
Can I please disappear...?
This anime association thing (or whatever) I'm in has changed so much the last year. I started visiting their events years ago. It was so much fun! So much nerdy fun.
And then that board was quitting, and new people took over. Some of those were my friends, and I wanted to join, but I didn't think I had anything to contribute. But they were all "do it! :D" but I never did. And then I regretted that, so I told them "if you ever need help, or another official board member, I'm here!"
And a couple of months later I was asked. So I joined and it was the freakin' best time of my life! I have never had so much fun. We arranged more events, and it was tedious at times, but SO much fun... and, well, we didn't get very far in expanding our association/events... So that sucked, you know, from the association viewpoint. We could've been so much more! But we were lazy and too busy having fun to focus on expanding.
But then three of the board members moved, and the three remaining had to include new people in the board. And things haven't been the same since. It's slowly been going downhill. The association itself is flying to new heights, and the people aren't bad. But... I'm just not having fun any more.
We lost our... cashier, or treasurer, or whatever it's called, when those three moved. And no one (NO ONE!) wanted to replace her. Money and responsibility is scary, and everyone refused to step up. So I said "Fine, how hard can it be? If you want something done, you have to do it yourself!"
That is the only reason I took the part.
And it REALLY isn't for me.
I crumble under pressure, I stress too much, I don't understand it... I just... no. I don't want to. Then I had a period when I thought, hey, the cashier bit is fairly easy once you get the hang of it! It's everything else with the association I can't be bothered with. I lack motivation. Arranging these mini one-day convention (or whatever to call them) = SOO tedious and sigh. We don't help each other out the way we used to. This new board ain't that bad. We get things done, and it's good! But... At times it's just... I don't know. I feel like I'm badmouthing them. But eh. We're just not as equal as we were before.
People were lazy then, too. There were a lot of moments going down like this:
"I don't wanna!"
"I don't either!"
"Just do it."
"..."
"..."
"Fiiiiiine...!"
Which seems like NOTHING compared to how it's now. Back then you could say "help, please, don't be lazy, asshole! :p" and they'd go "help yourself, idiot! xp" and then we all laughed and people helped each other anyway. Nowadays you can't just say "help" - you have to say "could you please pay a little attention and do that specific thing that needs to be done so we don't have to do everything?"
They're not bad people. They try hard, and they are much, much better at doing the things the last board sucked at. But I ask myself... Is it worth losing that to gain something else?
I, personally, am not having fun. It's a job, a chore, something I have to do. All of it.
And then, out of the three remaining from the last version of the board, one of us took over as chairman. Chairwoman? Chairperson.
Maja, is her name. I think she felt a lot like I did then, and still do, and she has both school AND a job. So she decided to quit. She's out, now. Left us. There goes another one from the fun past.
And now we're going to be lead by one of the new people.
I have been thinking a lot the last two days. They all want to expand and make these events into "real" conventions. They all have grand plans and dreams. That was the idea, before. It's always been the idea. It's a long way before we get there, though.
And I started thinking about it. This goal... This constant goal.
I haven't been at a convention for years. I am not interested enough to pay that kind of money to go to one. A Japan/anime/manga/gaming/cosplay etc one, I mean. I can watch anime - I don't dislike it. I just don't get around to watching it any more. And, like I said, it's not because I dislike it. I just like other things MORE. Japanese culture doesn't interest me at all any more. I've outgrown all of this. I did a long time ago.
But WANO was fun because I liked arranging things, and doing it with my closest friends was amazing! It was about the people. The board and the members. Creating this for them.
Nostalgia. I remember how it was like to be interested in this, and loving these events like WHOA, and how much it meant. That's why I've wanted to stay in WANO and help create this happiness for the new generation! I care about them. I care about the people who care. And they need help to do this.
But now I've outgrown it AND grown tired in general. I've finally realized that I am doing it all for them. I've always done it for them... but before now there was something more in it, for me, as well. Now that's gone. It disappeared, partly, with the people leaving. Fellow board members and friends. And it partly disappeared when I changed as a person. When I realized I HAD changed.
Then again, board people don't have to be friends. They have to get along, but not necessarily be friends. I could stay and try to get over it. I can indeed stay and try to make close friends with the new people, as well, of course. But they are so young. They ARE the new generation. They love Japan and all that goes with it, and they are exactly the kind of people I've been doing this for.
What made the last board so close was that none of us really cared about it in that way. Apart from one person in the last board none of us watched anime, or read manga, anymore. We were all older, too. The youngest one was seventeen years old.
Now the youngest one is fourteen. And I am twenty-three. I don't act like I'm twenty-three, and I don't feel like I'm twenty-three... Mentally, I'm probably not. But I am older than fourteen.
Not that age has everything to do with it. But sadly enough it's a factor.
But... That's it.
So I think I'm done.
I want to quit.
I just don't know how. I still care about WANO on some level, and that will perhaps never change, and if I leave... Well, they're going to sit there with the same problem on their hands. NO ONE wants to be the cashier. Then again, heartless as it sounds, I guess that's their problem. Why should I care? I need to think about myself. Going on feeling like "I want to quit, I want to quit, I want to quit, okay... perhaps this isn't that bad, actual-- I want to quit, I want to quit, yay that was almost fun-- I want to quit..." just isn't working. I have fleeting moment when I feel that, hey, this could actually work! But 90% of the time I just want to quit.
But we JUST had the annual meeting for this coming year and I was chosen to keep going as cashier, because I didn't want to give up fully yet. I wanted to try! But then... one day later, I figure myself out. Now I feel so insanely bad. I can't announce I want to quit now! Then... Well, what happens then? I have papers signed with the bank and I assume you can't change things like this just like POOF! Don't we need to have some extra inserted annual meeting and vote to change the board again and blah blah?
Man... I don't know what to do.
I just want to disappear.
Can I please disappear...?
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no subject
Date: 2010-03-16 12:07 pm (UTC)Oh, do I hear you. I quit Fefo crew in november... and even though it was a bit of an impulse I had been thinking about doing so for months when I did it. And to be honest... I haven't looked back once. (Now I still know everything that goes on (which was one of the reasons I didn't want to quit at first) but even if I didn't I don't think I would regret it) Even if I loved it for a while in the end it wasn't worth it because I spent most of the time being annoyed with everything and everyone.
Of course it's not fun leaving people like that and be all "suck it, bitches, you can sort this mess out yourself", but on the other hand people can't expect you to do everything all the time.
So, if you decide to quit... don't feel bad about it!
no subject
Date: 2010-03-16 12:43 pm (UTC)It helps me to know that you know what I'm going through.
As it seems right now, I have decided to quit WANO and I am standing by it and will most likely announce it at today's meeting.
Fefo is another thing I have been thinking about. I'm not there as often as I should be. I feel that I am letting them down, and that hurts me. I'm not much use, and when I do sign in I just check the messages I need to check and sign off. I don't give feedback unless I have to, and it's mostly a job to me.
I have been thinking of resigning there, too. For a while, actually. This thing with WANO is very new, but I've been thinking about Fefo for quite a while.
I'm not involved in the site at all. I just check posts for bad words, and then I sign out. Sometimes I forget to sign in for several days, or a full week. It's not how a crew member should behave. I basically don't keep track of things the way I should and once did. I'm practically out already. So I suppose I should quit there, too. But that feels even stranger than quitting WANO.
Hoggy and Fefo... Wow. Well, it's been a part of my life for way longer than anything else. I waited basically my whole time at Hoggy to be able to help, and join the crew.
And now that I finally got the spot... I just want to throw it away. That's what it feels like. All that I worked and dreamed and waited for. Now I have it, and I just want to quit.
But I know it would be the right thing to do... for them, if not for me. So I should. But... I am so torn. Do I want to, or not?
no subject
Date: 2010-03-16 09:13 pm (UTC)And I see what you mean with Fefo... it took me quite a while to decide what to do because it's not only quitting a responsibility, it's giving up a part of you. I mean, I knew as soon as I quit I would stop logging in so much, and I did. Now there are weeks when I'm online a lot, but there are also weeks where I don't log in at all. And it is weird, because... it's fefo!!! And I was root admin, I couldn't even have dreamt about that when I first joined hoggy.
On the other hand, if you're not online that much you might do them a favour if you give them the chance to replace you. But I still see why you're not sure, as I said, it took me a while to do it too...
no subject
Date: 2010-03-17 09:27 am (UTC)It's nice to be able to bring this up as well. Especially with someone who knows what it's like. I honestly don't know what to do. Then again, I know what I should do. And therefore I should just do that; quit.
I've been trying to think about it... to sort things out in my head. I had the thought that, hey, I have more free time now! I'm happier and have more motivation. But I've had these periods in my life before, and I did indeed sign in daily then, and I tried hard, but I still never understood the topics they raised in the mod forum. Because it was always "What to do about Blah's topic?" and they ALL seemed to know what the issue was, and I was sitting there dumbstruck like... "Huuh?"
I had no idea who or what they were talking about, because I'm just not active in the forums. I'm active in "my" TV & Film forum, and I keep a constant look-out for new posts in the mod forum. But other than that... I am not interested in being active at Fefo, because they're... forgive me, it feels like it's filled with whiny kids these days. Perhaps it always was. Perhaps I just grew up. Grew too old.
But yeah...
So even when I try my hardest, I still don't know what's going on. I suppose they could use someone better. Someone who's more up-to-date.