Ugh, my feelings.

[maccadole]

I was thinking about the wonderful birthday bird birdsofshore that we all know and love, and how lucky I am to know her.

How lucky I am to know all of you.

I was a miserable, sobbing ball of sadness and emptiness in January, and then I rediscovered HP fic and my love spiked again. That helped distract me while I worked on getting better, and while I've read fic before in my life I'd never read quite so much of it on a regular basis. It was amazing.

By May I was recognizing names and practically drooling at the thought of befriending those people. Once I started finding the good fic, and the new fic, the usernames kept appearing until one day I was literally stage-shouting at my screen, "I want to be your friend!!"

Hahah, oh yes.

May 13th is when I tidied up my journal a bit and posted, among other things, this:

That's partly what made me return here, I remembered. See, I may want to use this account to sneak around communities and such, because I'm starting to notice, as I lurk, that there are still people active here in that section of the fandom. Hm, hm. And the more fic I read, the more I keep seeing the same names over and over again. They write, they comment, they mention each other. I kind of want to befriend them all? (Desperately, at times.)

Birds was the first person I talked to directly and she was so kind and helpful. She reintroduce me to this fandom. ♥ I wish her all the best not only on her birthday, but in life. Thank you so much for your encouragement and kind words, dear!

Would you believe that I've been in fandom since I was a teenager (and I turn 30 in exactly one week) and yet never participated in a fest?

Until June 2016, when I felt like peeing myself because I was so nervous and filled with anxiety at the prospect of showing my writing to anyone. But I wanted it SO BAD I could feel my skin crawling, I swear. I wanted to participate and not just stand by and watch. I didn't want my stupid irrational fear and anxiety to rule me. And so I ended up spontaneously collaborating with the lovely carpemermaid for Draco's birthday fest over at dracomalfoy. It took some of the pressure off – doing it together – and it was SO MUCH FUN. You, Carpe, you beautiful mermaid, were so sweet and hilarious and accepting of my ideas. You've no idea how much that meant. :D It was the proof my brain needed to understand that things aren't necessarily all Scary Doom all the time.

And slowly but surely I unlurked and started posting these obscenely long comments and reviews, and people were talking to me, and friending me, and I friended people. AAH.

Then the astonishingly beautiful _melodic_ asked me to help her with her fics, and I felt so appreciated and useful and happy. God, Mel, getting to know you has been one of the best parts of returning to HP/HD fic fandom and I'm so grateful for all the wonderful things you've done for me along the way.

Now here I am.

And my wish came true.

I have a bunch of tremendously remarkable friends and acquaintances now, and I'm taking part in a wonderful fandom again. I'm doing a lot better now, both mentally and emotionally, and all you friendly people with your amazing writing and accepting attitude helped so much without hardly even knowing it.

I feel like I've come a long way and yet it's only been a few months since I unlurked. It's crazy. I've never been in such a caring, interactive fandom before. Not in this way, at least. Well, that would be HP in that case, back when I was a teen and spent my days on a Swedish Harry Potter site that no longer exists. (It shut down in 2006 and there's supposedly going to be a reunion in Stockholm for the ten year anniversary. It's fitting I got back into HP this year, I realize.)

I've even signed up for a fest. Me! If that's not a sign of progress, I don't know what is. It's the first time I've ever properly claimed a prompt, officially. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING ANYMORE :D but I am SO EXCITED!!

Talking to my counselor helped most of all, of course, but fandom did its fair share too. I'm so happy that I'm already this lucky, after such a short while, and I can't wait to get to know even more people and start writing again.

This community is the best and I'm feeling so sappy tonight. ♥

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/_melodic_/]

Ahhh this post is so beautiful!!! I can't even begin to explain. I absolutely adore you and I am so grateful we have met each other and become friends. Through our mutual internet stalking and getting closer over the past few months--well, I wouldn't change any of it for the world! What a pleasure to be your friend and to have you as part of the fandom again.

I so understand your feelings; I was in the same boat just a year ago when I claimed my first prompt for owl fest and sought out a beta and then soon met so many new and wonderful people in this community. You are so well loved and cherished by many of us for your sweet disposition, lovely enthusiasm and overwhelming kindness and thoughtfulness in the many comments you leave everyone!

I'm so excited for all your writing ventures and congrats on joining a fest! You are gonna be wonderful and please don't let the stress get to you and drown beneath the expectations we all seems to put on ourselves. I know anything you write will be fantastic and I am here for you all the way for anything you might need! <3

[maccadole.livejournal.com]

Youuuuu!!

Hahah, I loved our mutual stalking. At first I was like, "Oh god, she found me!" but then I found you too and suddenly there were comments EVERYWHERE. :D LOL. And here we are.

Thank you for always being so supportive. <3

[carpemermaid.livejournal.com]

Maaaaaaac, I want to tackle-hug you, you sweet thing! I'm thrilled to hear all about your journey with unlurking and feeling better than you were in January! ♥ ♥ And I'm so pumped you signed up for a fest!!! YAY! I'm so excited for you! And our collab was super fun, we should do it again! :D :D *hug hug hug hug*

[maccadole.livejournal.com]

By gods, you better be. ;D Because there's no stopping me now.

I was just telling Birds in my birthday message to her that Confident Mac should come with a warning. LOL. Once the floodgates opened I couldn't shut up, and it's only going to get worse (better?? :D) from here.

You know, we should collab again one day. Yesss, excellent idea, my dear. Maybe plan something out that isn't so rushed next time? ;) Not that we didn't nail it, but – just saying.

[carpemermaid.livejournal.com]

Once the floodgates opened I couldn't shut up, and it's only going to get worse (better?? :D) from here.

YAAAASSSS!!!! :D :D :D *hug* It's a strange thing, isn't it? When you start to get more comfortable online? I used to be the shyest little thing online, despite having a fairly large and friendly personality IRL, and after de-lurking and coming back to HP (coming home, really, this is my favorite fandom of all and no other fandom compares in terms of community!) it was fun to be more of myself.

Also, YES. I am so down for that! But maybe after erised and my fall wedding season because my butt is being kicked back and forth between those two right now haha. But absolutely, yes yes yes to collabing again, it was so fun!

[maccadole.livejournal.com]

coming back to HP (coming home, really, this is my favorite fandom of all and no other fandom compares in terms of community!)

GUUUHH my blubbering heart!

It's so true. All my IRL best friends of over ten years now come from the HP fandom. That is how we got to know each other. HP when I was younger was so special the way no fandom has been since. Regardless of size – it's never been the same. Until now. And I literally hadn't thought about that until I made my post, and now you're essentially saying the same thing. You hit the nail on the head; it feels like coming home.

It's so fun and creative here, and people actually communicate and inspire and motivate each other. At least that's how I feel. :D I keep saying it, but uggh, it's so rewarding.

But maybe after erised and my fall wedding season because my butt is being kicked back and forth between those two right now haha.

Oh god, when's that again?

It's a plan! Don't worry, because I've made myself bizarrely busy with not one but two projects now anyway so it's all fine on my end. Ehhh. Yeah, hahaha, let's wait.

[carpemermaid.livejournal.com]

Due date is nov 7th!

[birdsofshore]

I'm so glad you're here, my dear. It's a wonderful place for friends and creativity and finding your way and working out things that are important. Thank you for your gorgeous message which I'll reply to when I get time tomorrow, hopefully. This was a lovely thing to read. You add so much to our community and I'm so delighted if anything I said helped you feel at home here. ♥

[maccadole.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes, the creativity. I love how creative and supportive this community is, and I revel in it.

Everyone I've met so far has been encouraging and friendly, and I love how inspired all the magnificent writing makes me. I've missed writing, myself. Getting back into it is so wonderful and knowing people actually care and leave feedback for each other is so motivating. It's all very rewarding, in the end.

I feel like I'm connecting with real people, whereas getting to know other fans before – in other fandoms – was like pulling teeth. I hardly ever talked to anyone directly the way I do now, with all of you.

And not for lack of trying. I was in a small fandom a couple of years ago and I even hosted a friending meme and everything. I did plenty to connect with people, but beyond group chats in various comms, nothing much ever came of it.

You guys actually communicate with one another and when I saw that – and felt that sense of community – I really, really wanted to take part in it. Especially because I was so sad and lonely at the time. :D AND NOW HERE I AM. ♥

[oceaxe.livejournal.com]

***HUGGING YOU****

Yes! I feel all of this SO MUCH!! I got back into H/D fandom last November, just devouring Erised 2015 fic and reading the backlog of things I missed since dropping out in 2010ish... but it wasn't until Draco's B-day and also due to encouragement from birdsofshore that I started being really active again! Oh thank god for Draco, his birthday, and Birds! Because of that, I ended up going to Leviosa and meeting so many people, and resolving to remedy how shitty I am at fandom and LJ, and look! Now we are friends, and I value your comments so much, and you're such a dear! And Melodic and Carpemermaid and so many others, you're right, we're all so lucky!

*one more hug and a kiss to the top of your head*

[maccadole.livejournal.com]

AAH. :D *Hugs back* you lovely, lovely person!

Oh thank god for Draco, his birthday, and Birds!

Oh, YES. That was the starting point for me, and she was the one to point me in that direction. It was a natural way of getting to know some of you, and, hey, that's where I first read one of your works. And now I love your writing.

I've read fics that have come from fests before, but I've never truly participated in a whole one until then. I left prompts, and I commented AND I ended up writing something.

And, as you point out, now you and I are friends. And I get to keep enjoying your wonderful stories. :D

[amorette.livejournal.com]

Awwwwww *hugs and clings to you*

Fandom is an amazing community

[maccadole.livejournal.com]

*Hugs back* Yesssss, for sure, and this one in particular is so friendly and open to new people. At least in my situation, I feel.

It's fun that it's so creative too, because that really inspires me. (Omg like your fics, they're great.)

I absolutely love it here. :D And actually interacting with people is great and so rewarding. <3

[amorette.livejournal.com]

Aww thanks xD And yeah making friends who are into the same HP obsession is soooo rewarding!

[shiftylinguini.livejournal.com]

AWWWW macca!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D this post has give me feeeeels, and you are so lovely, and I'm so happy you're here in the community!! It wouldn't be the same without your flailing and enthusiastic comments, and OMG now you've claimed a prompt for a fest! OMG OMG!!!! This is exciting, I'm dying to know more!!!

I'm happy to hear it has helped you as well! <33333333333

All the love, darling, and OMG BIRTHDAY SOON this is so exciting!!!!! :D:D:D

[maccadole.livejournal.com]

WELL OMG. *Squishes*

You know what? When you and I first interacted and we friended each other on here, you warned me that you were very excitable. Do you have annnnny idea how much your bonkers attitude and carefree spirit has inspired and motivated me? Baahhhhh LOL, no, shush, it's TRUE.

I was overthinking everything at the time and didn't dare show that side of myself at first because I was terrified of being judged or of embarrassing myself. :D :D But then there you were and your replies were, and still are, always so wonderful all the time and justttttt, it made me see that it was okay to be very excitable.

YES, and a fest!!!! :D :D I'm HYSTERICAL (speaking of being very excitable) but I DID IT and it's SO MUCH FUN.

By the way, we're practically related *SNORT* because a temporary nickname of mine (and still the full name on my fandom email address to this day) is Boiling Maccaroni. ;) ;) ;) Pasta unite!

[shiftylinguini.livejournal.com]

OMG what fest?! Or don't tell me and surprise me hahahaha which will also be fun!!! :D:D:D

Do you have annnnny idea how much your bonkers attitude and carefree spirit has inspired and motivated me? Baahhhhh LOL, no, shush, it's TRUE.

OMG has it?!?! *blush* and OHHH you're so niceeee!!!! I was so shy at first myself, so I'm glad to hear that me being a bit of an overexcited puppy about fandom things made you feel comfortable to throw caution to the wind too!

HYSTERIA ALL ROUND!!! :D

<3333

[maccadole.livejournal.com]

I was so shy at first myself, so I'm glad to hear that me being a bit of an overexcited puppy about fandom things made you feel comfortable to throw caution to the wind too!

You, shy? :D But you're like a bubble of infectious laughter, my dear. I can barely picture you as shy.

As for the fest, ohhhh, I am so tempted to tell you. But I think I'll keep even the fest itself quiet just because it's my first time and I'm having so much fun torturing everyone hehehe. But it's just a lil' something I've written, and I think you'd enjoy it, so hopefully you'll end up reading it. If not, then you'll see it once reveals go up and I post it on my own journal.