Ugh, my feelings.

[maccadole]

I was thinking about the wonderful birthday bird birdsofshore that we all know and love, and how lucky I am to know her.

How lucky I am to know all of you.

I was a miserable, sobbing ball of sadness and emptiness in January, and then I rediscovered HP fic and my love spiked again. That helped distract me while I worked on getting better, and while I've read fic before in my life I'd never read quite so much of it on a regular basis. It was amazing.

By May I was recognizing names and practically drooling at the thought of befriending those people. Once I started finding the good fic, and the new fic, the usernames kept appearing until one day I was literally stage-shouting at my screen, "I want to be your friend!!"

Hahah, oh yes.

May 13th is when I tidied up my journal a bit and posted, among other things, this:

That's partly what made me return here, I remembered. See, I may want to use this account to sneak around communities and such, because I'm starting to notice, as I lurk, that there are still people active here in that section of the fandom. Hm, hm. And the more fic I read, the more I keep seeing the same names over and over again. They write, they comment, they mention each other. I kind of want to befriend them all? (Desperately, at times.)

Birds was the first person I talked to directly and she was so kind and helpful. She reintroduce me to this fandom. ♥ I wish her all the best not only on her birthday, but in life. Thank you so much for your encouragement and kind words, dear!

Would you believe that I've been in fandom since I was a teenager (and I turn 30 in exactly one week) and yet never participated in a fest?

Until June 2016, when I felt like peeing myself because I was so nervous and filled with anxiety at the prospect of showing my writing to anyone. But I wanted it SO BAD I could feel my skin crawling, I swear. I wanted to participate and not just stand by and watch. I didn't want my stupid irrational fear and anxiety to rule me. And so I ended up spontaneously collaborating with the lovely carpemermaid for Draco's birthday fest over at dracomalfoy. It took some of the pressure off – doing it together – and it was SO MUCH FUN. You, Carpe, you beautiful mermaid, were so sweet and hilarious and accepting of my ideas. You've no idea how much that meant. :D It was the proof my brain needed to understand that things aren't necessarily all Scary Doom all the time.

And slowly but surely I unlurked and started posting these obscenely long comments and reviews, and people were talking to me, and friending me, and I friended people. AAH.

Then the astonishingly beautiful _melodic_ asked me to help her with her fics, and I felt so appreciated and useful and happy. God, Mel, getting to know you has been one of the best parts of returning to HP/HD fic fandom and I'm so grateful for all the wonderful things you've done for me along the way.

Now here I am.

And my wish came true.

I have a bunch of tremendously remarkable friends and acquaintances now, and I'm taking part in a wonderful fandom again. I'm doing a lot better now, both mentally and emotionally, and all you friendly people with your amazing writing and accepting attitude helped so much without hardly even knowing it.

I feel like I've come a long way and yet it's only been a few months since I unlurked. It's crazy. I've never been in such a caring, interactive fandom before. Not in this way, at least. Well, that would be HP in that case, back when I was a teen and spent my days on a Swedish Harry Potter site that no longer exists. (It shut down in 2006 and there's supposedly going to be a reunion in Stockholm for the ten year anniversary. It's fitting I got back into HP this year, I realize.)

I've even signed up for a fest. Me! If that's not a sign of progress, I don't know what is. It's the first time I've ever properly claimed a prompt, officially. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING ANYMORE :D but I am SO EXCITED!!

Talking to my counselor helped most of all, of course, but fandom did its fair share too. I'm so happy that I'm already this lucky, after such a short while, and I can't wait to get to know even more people and start writing again.

This community is the best and I'm feeling so sappy tonight. ♥

Comments

[maccadole.livejournal.com]

*Hugs back* Yesssss, for sure, and this one in particular is so friendly and open to new people. At least in my situation, I feel.

It's fun that it's so creative too, because that really inspires me. (Omg like your fics, they're great.)

I absolutely love it here. :D And actually interacting with people is great and so rewarding. <3

[amorette.livejournal.com]

Aww thanks xD And yeah making friends who are into the same HP obsession is soooo rewarding!